Hi. My life sucks.

I've been fighting the urge to jump off the Woodrow Wilson for quite a few days now. It's not healthy, I know, but my life has really reached a point where I cannot withstand the pressure of everyday life. Mostly the financial pressure, the fact that just having the basics: food, cell phone, car, car insurance, gas, and school is costing me more than most people my age because my parents have disowned me.

No, not really, but practically.

I haven't said much to my mother besides "FUCK OFF" for almost a month. I'm fed up with her bitching at me for every little thing I do or say or don't do or don't say. She called the police on me TWICE for the most retarded reasons, which resulted in me just loosing sleep. I'm done with her. It kills me because I'd love to have a mother who was my best friend but with her, it's her way or the highway for everything, even the way I feel or talk or do things.

My dad isn't much help either just because he can't be, he's got a lot of financial responsibilities as well. And he's raising his girlfriend's three year old son, so he hasn't time for his first born daughter who is struggling though the muck of life. Today is his birthday too, he's 47.

Redouane won't be back for another week. I don't even want to think about how insanely terrified I am of seeing him again and dealing with him again and not knowing what's going to happy with us. I know the best thing for both of us would be just to forget about each other and move on with our lives, but I can't bare the thought of loosing the only person in this world that wants to love me and take care of me, even if it means changing my life drastically. If I loose him, I might really die.

Friends are almost nonexistent. Lisa and Leticia are basically the only people I talk to now, and bless them for being in my life. Lisa and I have become oddly closer lately, calling each other every day to check up on each other, calling after work, after school, etc. She and I are both really busy most of the time with school and work but it's nice to escape with her for a while by just going to eat dinner, or doing something else. Leticia has also been helping me out a lot since I don't even have internet access at home anymore. I know we still have some issues to discuss from weeks ago when she expressed a lot of things that I just want to deal with at the time, she had very bad timing, but hopefully once those things are settled it'll be even better.

I don't talk very often to Brian or Jessica, I just don't know what we'd talk about. How much my life sucks or how much their lives suck??? Hmmm. I did call Tyler last weekend to wish him a happy belated birthday. He's so gay, and he'll always hold a place in my heart but I think our lives just don't mesh very well anymore. People just grow apart sometimes.

Sara hasn't called in over a week. She didn't talk to me at iftar one night at Oasis and that was it. I'm not going to call her, I don't want to deal with her "I'm going to be a Muslim wife even though I'm not Muslim but I know everything about it because I'm so smart" attitude. Sara's a very smart woman, and she's really great but she's got some issues that I don't want to be a part of, namely her relationship with her fiancee and her relationship with their employer and his wife.

Sam's in London doing her own thing, and more power to her. I hope she's having fun for the both of us. I'm just to jealous and bitter with the world to bother to communicate with her much. I'm a horrible person.

I've replaced friends with a membership to a Bollywood movie rental place. The magic of those movies are that they are all over two hours long. They keep me entertained forever. So, Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol are my new best friends.

I've been neglecting my school work and now I've found myself with a research paper and a summary paper both due tomorrow neither of which I've done any work for. The pressure isn't so bad, I can work miracles in a few hours, but I just hate having so many other things floating around in my head and not letting me concentrate properly.

Maybe now that I've expressed myself a little bit I'll be able to concentrate. My life sucks, but I have to deal with it so I can pass my classes and earn a degree and go on with my life blah blah blah.

2 More Weeks

If I had a laptop, I would write more often.

Redouane will be back in two weeks. Only 14 more days. Two weeks from today will be THE DAY. I can't wait. I can wait, I have been waiting, for six freakin' weeks. It's so cute, he sends me text messages mostly every day and for some reason there are never spaces in the messages so I'll get a "iloveyoubabygoodnightbegood". Be good. I've been good. I hope he's been good. Everytime we bring up the subject he has to insist that if he wanted to he could get a prostitute for the evertday low-low price of only $20. He wouldn't do that though, because it's Ramadan. Thanks baby, I wouldn't cheat on you because I love you too. The man can write it but he can't say it.

I'm anxious about him coming back. There is soooooooo much to figure out. My whole future depends on what happens when he comes back.

Sam left me. She's gone to London. I'm happy for her, it's about time. We've emailed a lot already since she left two weeks ago. Reading about her experiences so far makes me remember our trip, two years ago. It's funny to think back on it now. I always think about how those guys will never realize the maginitude of the impact they had on our young teenage lives. Massive. Gargantuan. Good times, good times.

Hopefully if finances allow, I'll be able to go visit Sam for New Year. She's coming to the states for Christmas, and then the plan is for me to fly back with her and we'll have another New Year's bash. That would be FLY.

School is still school and work is still work. I'm trying to be more social, and make friends, because I don't have many. Besides Lisa, Redouane, Sam, Leticia, and Jessica. And I only talk to Lisa on a daily basis. Lisa has no friends too. We're both best friend losers.

Class starts soon. Hopefully I'll update before 2007.

Strawberry Fields Forever

I'm surprised my blog hasn't deleted itself from lack of usage.

There is so much going on in my head right now. I'm not surprised, I haven't thought about much other than Redouane for the past six months. That's okay, but it's almost like I've forgotten myself. I've used him, and the many situations we've been in as barrier against having to deal with anything that really matters. Like the status of my family, money issues, school, friends or a lack there of, and like I said I haven't even really dealt with my own well-being.

I haven't broken up with Redouane. He left for Morocco on Thursday. He'll be gone for two months. It seems like an eternity. Not only because I love him and miss him but because I know how fast people can change because of life. Two months is more than long enough for many things to happen, or not happen.

I forgot how emotional and analytical I can be when left alone.

I'm only 19, and I'm in a relationship with a 31 year old man. His age doesn't really mean much except that he's had more life experience. Sometimes, or really most of the time, I consider myself more mature than him. He's like nothing I've ever experienced with a guy, it's been my longest and most stable relationship so far. There are many wonderful things about him...we're both completely insane, he's smart; he knows how to read people like I can. I have fun with him, I've learned so much about his culture (Moroccan and Muslim). I feel safe with him, comfortable.

He wants to get married. Settle down and start a family. There are many issues surrounding that. It seems like getting married and having kids is just a blind goal for him. Whenever I make him consider the emotional and financial efforts that go into reaching this goal he freaks out. How can you get married and start a family without the right woman, without a home, without a stable enough job? As much as Oasis has been a sort of home for me, and his workplace for years, you can't have a family on shisha money.

Six months of considering marriage and children has made it seem like a good idea. I'm open to many options as long as I can reach my personal goals along the way. I want to be a teacher and I want to travel. I want a happy, healthy and forever-lasting marriage. I want well-rounded children. I don't ask for much else. I don't need riches or fame, just enough to support myself and my family and the only people I want to remember me when I'm gone is anyone whose life I've touched. I'm flexible.

Redouane wants me to be his wife. That would require me to become Muslim. Although he'd want it, I don't see myself being a hijabi; I know I can be a modest and dignified woman without being covered head to toe. He would want a son ASAP; that would be so much pressure. I'd have to be very traditional, which I don't mind, I'm a very traditional soul despite my modern lifestyle. I think marriage is a one time deal, no matter what happens. Children are required and should be plentiful, I want three, maybe more. Women should cook and clean and raise the children, the men should work and provide the money and be loving husbands and fathers. I don't mean to disrespect anyone who disagrees, but why should you fix something that isn't broken? That's the way it's been since the beginning of time. I will work if and when I want to, and be an independent person besides my family.

I'm considering it. It's too soon to decide. Redouane has to start behaving like the old man that he is. He'd have to start thinking more with his OTHER head, he one above his shoulders. He'd also have to be able to compromise with me on a few things. I'm still a baby, and he'd have to deal with me growing up and learning a lot. But I'm a fast learner.

Now that he's gone I'll be at home a lot more. I would usually take a bag with clothes and stay with him for days, or I'd be working or with friends. My "home" is basically just a place to store my shit and crash when Redouane was working (he works nights).

My mom has been liberated from her epilepsy and turned into something. She's 40, starting her life all over again. She's lost weight, she's getting a divorce, she doesn't have to worry about her illness, and she's dating a guy she's been friends with for at least 10 years. He's quiet and nice, very shy. He wants to buy a house with my mom.

My sister is 13 now, which means that she's starting to realize what life is all about. She's developing into J.Lo which isn't so great just because I know how men are. She doesn't. I'm happy that she's becoming a beautiful young lady, as long as she keeps her shit together. Right now she's at the stage in her life where her phone is permanently glued to her head and any disagreement results in her declaring her hatered towards us and running up to her room and slamming the door. Typical.

I still rarely talk to my dad. He's no longer the father that was the sun of my life. I don't know what he is now, and it's too painful to see how different he is. I can't even talk to him anymore, and it breaks my heart. I know he's tried to get me back to "daddy's girl" status but I feel so emotionally abandoned by him that it's just impossible to confide in him. He's like a stranger. He still gives me money, and does favors for me if I need it, which I'm grateful for, but it doesn't matter.

My friends are all still around...somewhere. Leticia is starting NOVA this fall and is steady with her boyfriend. Sam is moving to London is less than a month. Jessica has a lot of issues none which include me, and Lisa is still Lisa. I've made a relatively new friend, Sara, she's the queen of Oasis. Sara's done a lot of the stuff that I could only dream of doing in my lifetime and I've learned a lot from her but I've also realized a few things. Sara is 25 and although she's been through so much in probably the last decade of her life, she still gets lost sometimes. She still doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, she just knows what she believes in. I love her, she's a great person, and I only hope that like all of us we can find our way to whatever it is we're looking for.

I haven't got many friends. I should probably work on that. I'm not really looking for just friends though, I need relationships that will last, someone to talk to, someone who can relate. As great as my friends are, we all have so many fucking issues to deal with, we rarely have time for each other. It's pathetic. We all seem to have family issues, money issues, boy issues, school issues that are all-consuming. We're adults now, this is life. I have to remember that.

What kills me is that I'm having to learn how to deal with my ultimate fear: being alone.

Sometimes I want to continue the days of only a couple years ago, when there weren't so many responsibilities and I could hang out and party and do anything with my friends for hours every day. Sometimes I want to be a mommy and a wife.

Oh my God...I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Sweet Jesus, Britney had it right all along.

Hopefully I won't end up like her though, that's a serious car crash...try to look away.

I think I will reach the end of that transition pretty damn soon though. I need stability, I need security, I need someone who cares about me as much as they care about themselves. I need what I had only a couple years ago with my dad and what used to be my family. In return I can do the same to whoever is willing. Is Redouane that person? He could be.

Random Thoughts: World Cup Semi-Finals

Thanks to this 5" black and white portable TV made by COBY (whoever they are)...I've been able to watch most of the World Cup at work.

That picture is actual size. The clarity of the screen however, is not actual.

nonetheless I am ever grateful. I've been able to see many amazing goals including the ones made by Argentina's #8 and Beckham. I've seen plenty of SHIT calls by the referees, including countless yellow and red cards. I've seen many crazy fans. So, there have been good times and bad times. Recently more bad than good. Although Brazil lost today to France, which is good, both Argentina and England failed to make their penalty shots and lost to Germany and Portugal. I feel the sting of Argentina's loss the most, partially because some of those Portuguese players are absolutely gorgeous.

It's now down to four teams: Germany, Italy, Portugal and France. Germany plays Italy and Portugal is playing France and the winners of those two games will play each other in the championship in a week. The outlook is not so good. At least for me, because I don't like Germany. The chances of Italy beating Germany are not so great. Portugal vs. France I think will be a good match but I'm not sure that either of those teams can beat Germany either. I will cross my fingers though.

The only reason I would accept the championship for Germany is because they are playing at home and that would be nice for the German people. It would make for a great parties. Lots of national pride and beer and such. I can't imagine how much fun that would be. I don't think I'll even ever know what that feels like.

We will not discuss USA's performance at the Cup. We'll pretend it never happened.

I will now go continue the mourning of Argentina's loss. We'll just have to wait and see what happens next. At least it wasn't another Brazil/Germany match up. That would have been so boring. I still can't believe France beat them.

Although I don't REALLY care what happens now, my preference for the champion is:

1. Italy
2. Portugal
3. France
4. Germany

Maybe it'll be better in 2010. I'll be old then.

World Cup 2006

It's like Christmas....for a month!!!

What determines if I like a team?

• How much I like the people from that country
• My past experiences with people from that country
• The past success of the team
• How much I like the country itself
• The realistic chances of the team advancing
• How cute the players on the team are
• and of course the way they play. My methods are not completely bogus.
  

Based on these qualifications, these are my personal opinions on some teams...which are not meant to be completely serious or to offend anyone who is completely serious.

USA: If they are able to win the #1 spot in their group, which would mean beating Italy, there is still a chance in the quarterfinals. If they come in #2, they will most likely have to play Brazil, which means they should pack their bags before the game. I will still have faith for my motherland.

England: Not sure how Rooney is doing but apparently the hype is that they're not much without him. What ever happened to Beckham?? He got too cute. I hope Rooney recovers in time.

Germany: I know they're the host team, but I don't like stinkin' Germans. They're evil Nazis. And that wench Jessica is half German, speaks it and everything.

Mexico: I have a love-hate relationship with Mexico, but I have family in Mexico, and in Costa Rica, so I'd root for them. I'm not too sure if either team has much of a chance this year though.

Italy: I love everything Italian, and they're one of the top teams, so GOOO ITALY!!!

Brazil: They're the best, everyone knows it, they've won FIVE championships in a tournament that only happens every four years...that's impressive. I get it. I used to have the biggest crush on Ronaldo. But really, it's almost too much. Let another team have a little glory.

Tunisia: The only north African team in the Cup. I'd root for them based on that, but Redouane's roommate is Tunisian. He's a nice guy, but he's married, and he has two girlfriends, and he thinks it's funny. I'm not laughing.

Argentina: Usually I'd like them, the guys are so hot, but Redouane was married to an Argentinean a couple years ago and he's just a little too excited about the team for me not to be a little peeved. I still like them somewhat though, if they play well I'll probably end up loving them again.

Holland: Amsterdam....GO HOLLAND!!!!

So, to anyone who cares about this marvelous event which is about to start TOMORROW, have fun and go crazy because it only happens every four years.