"Cheated Hearts"

Ash -

I'm sorry that you didn't know that Sam and Jon were friends and that they get along really well. I understand that must be a surprise to you especially since Jon was/is a good friend of yours. I didn't mean to be insensitive by writing that they are "potential lovers". I thought that although what you and Sam had together was very lovely and wonderful, you haven't really spoken to each other in about five months. Sam's been able to move on, not without heartache, but she's got a lot of new ventures to think about. I also wasn't really aware that you were having trouble with your depression again. I'm not sure how often you read my blog, I really didn't think that anyone but Sam read it because I update it so infrequently. I personally haven't been reading your blog; it's nothing personal, I just haven't had the time. I did take the time to read over the last few posts the other day. I am sorry if my nonchalance about Sam and Jon offended you. They are just friends for now, and my comment was really a tease towards Sam. Also, I hope you're not further offended that I'm making my apology "public". I hope that you and Sam will be able to continue your friendship when she moves to London, and I also hope you'll be able to find some inner peace for yourself. Take care and have a safe summer.




Redouane -

Throughout my teenage years, I've acted in some regrettable ways, although I've never been able to say that I've regretted any of my actions. Unfortunately, the more I think about the past three months that I've spent with you, the more I can say that I now know what regret feels like. There are so many things I should have never done with you. I should have never gone with you and Ali and Lisa that night. I should have never forgiven you for sleeping with Jessica, even though we weren't officially dating at the time. I should have never had to go through all the trouble with Jessica and her obsessive insanity. I should have never allowed you to disrespect and embarrass me by allowing you to behave like the womanizing, cheating, lying man that you are. I should have never continued my affair with you after I learned that you were married in Morocco, and had already cheated on your wife with a total of nine women in less than a year. I should have never become so attached to you so quickly. I should have never let you see me cry for you. I should have never told you that I loved you, especially since I wasn't sure that I meant it. I should have never gone to pick you up that night after it had been raining for two days, because I ended up smashing my car and now, after four weeks, the repairs are still not done.

Clearly, there is enough for me to hate your guts for the rest of your life. If only I could. The somewhat still innocent 17 year old girl who had a crush on you over a year ago still lives on. No matter how much I try, it's been hard to accept the realities when it comes to you. Not only is there all the things I've listed, but you're also 30 years old. You're ready for marriage and children...or at least you say you are. My opinion is that your future wife would be lucky to be run over by a camel. There is also the language and cultural barrier between us. The language wasn't such an issue, I think we were able to communicate very well most of the time. I embraced your culture in many ways, but obviously you've been raised to believe that women are inferior and can be handled however you feel like handling them. I could only tolerate that mentality for so long. Those are the realities and I've accepted that every day I spend without you is a better day.

Despite everything, the are are many fond memories and new experiences that I'll remember you for. I helped you become an American citizen, and I was very proud of you. You offered to let me use your car to go to school after my accident, and without it the last few weeks of classes would have been even more frustrating. There were the many nights we spent in your apartment watching Bollywood movies or Moroccan music videos eating fruit and bread. I'd always make sure to bring a bottle of water or something else to drink because the only thing you drink is buttermilk, which tastes like poo. I don't care if it is "good for sex"; you say everything is good for sex.

There were also the Thursday nights we went to LOVE. We took my mom once, which was the most awkward experience of my life. A night at the club with your mom and your boyfriend who is closer in age to her than to you. It was fun though. Other times we went with Lisa or other friends. My favorite time was the last time, because we went alone. I finally got you away from the bar and onto the dance floor, and we danced ALL night. LOVE was also where you got your name for me, Babyface. I made the mistake of thinking that LOVE was 18+ every night, but it was only on Thursday nights. The bouncer looked at my ID and after explaining the 21+ age requirements he said, "Look at your babyface." From then on I was Babyface. I didn't mind, but if you pissed me off I'd call you Oldface, which just makes the whole thing even more lame but it was funny because you'd get so offended.

If there is one thing I've learned from you it's the way that I don't want to be treated by a boyfriend. I never even knew if you were my boyfriend or not. Everything was always so uncertain with you. I would stay with you for days at a time, and it would be wonderful, but whenever I spent a night without you, the anxiety of wondering if you were with someone else would eat me alive. I would have nightmares where I'd find you having sex with Jessica on my bed, and I would strangle her to death. That anxiety, that frustration, that uncertainty; I don't want to feel that again, no matter how much I like the guy. It's not worth it.

I hope we can go back to being friends. I know that I will always have a weakness for you, and that I'd probably burst into tears if you said something nice to me. I know it will take a lot of strength for me to be friends with you again. I hope that you won't start a new "relationship" with someone else, because like I always say, you're old, and you're married. I doubt you'll stay single or celibate for long though, and I just hope that the next girl is lucky enough to get run over by a camel. I hope that you'll be able to decide what you want from your life, and that you will be able to find a woman that you can trust and open your heart to. Someone who will be able to help you and guide you for the rest of your life, someone you can have children with and be happy with. I hope you will be faithful and kind to her. Finally, I hope that I've made some sort of minor impact in your life, because I know you've made a major impact on mine.