Strawberry Fields Forever

I'm surprised my blog hasn't deleted itself from lack of usage.

There is so much going on in my head right now. I'm not surprised, I haven't thought about much other than Redouane for the past six months. That's okay, but it's almost like I've forgotten myself. I've used him, and the many situations we've been in as barrier against having to deal with anything that really matters. Like the status of my family, money issues, school, friends or a lack there of, and like I said I haven't even really dealt with my own well-being.

I haven't broken up with Redouane. He left for Morocco on Thursday. He'll be gone for two months. It seems like an eternity. Not only because I love him and miss him but because I know how fast people can change because of life. Two months is more than long enough for many things to happen, or not happen.

I forgot how emotional and analytical I can be when left alone.

I'm only 19, and I'm in a relationship with a 31 year old man. His age doesn't really mean much except that he's had more life experience. Sometimes, or really most of the time, I consider myself more mature than him. He's like nothing I've ever experienced with a guy, it's been my longest and most stable relationship so far. There are many wonderful things about him...we're both completely insane, he's smart; he knows how to read people like I can. I have fun with him, I've learned so much about his culture (Moroccan and Muslim). I feel safe with him, comfortable.

He wants to get married. Settle down and start a family. There are many issues surrounding that. It seems like getting married and having kids is just a blind goal for him. Whenever I make him consider the emotional and financial efforts that go into reaching this goal he freaks out. How can you get married and start a family without the right woman, without a home, without a stable enough job? As much as Oasis has been a sort of home for me, and his workplace for years, you can't have a family on shisha money.

Six months of considering marriage and children has made it seem like a good idea. I'm open to many options as long as I can reach my personal goals along the way. I want to be a teacher and I want to travel. I want a happy, healthy and forever-lasting marriage. I want well-rounded children. I don't ask for much else. I don't need riches or fame, just enough to support myself and my family and the only people I want to remember me when I'm gone is anyone whose life I've touched. I'm flexible.

Redouane wants me to be his wife. That would require me to become Muslim. Although he'd want it, I don't see myself being a hijabi; I know I can be a modest and dignified woman without being covered head to toe. He would want a son ASAP; that would be so much pressure. I'd have to be very traditional, which I don't mind, I'm a very traditional soul despite my modern lifestyle. I think marriage is a one time deal, no matter what happens. Children are required and should be plentiful, I want three, maybe more. Women should cook and clean and raise the children, the men should work and provide the money and be loving husbands and fathers. I don't mean to disrespect anyone who disagrees, but why should you fix something that isn't broken? That's the way it's been since the beginning of time. I will work if and when I want to, and be an independent person besides my family.

I'm considering it. It's too soon to decide. Redouane has to start behaving like the old man that he is. He'd have to start thinking more with his OTHER head, he one above his shoulders. He'd also have to be able to compromise with me on a few things. I'm still a baby, and he'd have to deal with me growing up and learning a lot. But I'm a fast learner.

Now that he's gone I'll be at home a lot more. I would usually take a bag with clothes and stay with him for days, or I'd be working or with friends. My "home" is basically just a place to store my shit and crash when Redouane was working (he works nights).

My mom has been liberated from her epilepsy and turned into something. She's 40, starting her life all over again. She's lost weight, she's getting a divorce, she doesn't have to worry about her illness, and she's dating a guy she's been friends with for at least 10 years. He's quiet and nice, very shy. He wants to buy a house with my mom.

My sister is 13 now, which means that she's starting to realize what life is all about. She's developing into J.Lo which isn't so great just because I know how men are. She doesn't. I'm happy that she's becoming a beautiful young lady, as long as she keeps her shit together. Right now she's at the stage in her life where her phone is permanently glued to her head and any disagreement results in her declaring her hatered towards us and running up to her room and slamming the door. Typical.

I still rarely talk to my dad. He's no longer the father that was the sun of my life. I don't know what he is now, and it's too painful to see how different he is. I can't even talk to him anymore, and it breaks my heart. I know he's tried to get me back to "daddy's girl" status but I feel so emotionally abandoned by him that it's just impossible to confide in him. He's like a stranger. He still gives me money, and does favors for me if I need it, which I'm grateful for, but it doesn't matter.

My friends are all still around...somewhere. Leticia is starting NOVA this fall and is steady with her boyfriend. Sam is moving to London is less than a month. Jessica has a lot of issues none which include me, and Lisa is still Lisa. I've made a relatively new friend, Sara, she's the queen of Oasis. Sara's done a lot of the stuff that I could only dream of doing in my lifetime and I've learned a lot from her but I've also realized a few things. Sara is 25 and although she's been through so much in probably the last decade of her life, she still gets lost sometimes. She still doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, she just knows what she believes in. I love her, she's a great person, and I only hope that like all of us we can find our way to whatever it is we're looking for.

I haven't got many friends. I should probably work on that. I'm not really looking for just friends though, I need relationships that will last, someone to talk to, someone who can relate. As great as my friends are, we all have so many fucking issues to deal with, we rarely have time for each other. It's pathetic. We all seem to have family issues, money issues, boy issues, school issues that are all-consuming. We're adults now, this is life. I have to remember that.

What kills me is that I'm having to learn how to deal with my ultimate fear: being alone.

Sometimes I want to continue the days of only a couple years ago, when there weren't so many responsibilities and I could hang out and party and do anything with my friends for hours every day. Sometimes I want to be a mommy and a wife.

Oh my God...I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Sweet Jesus, Britney had it right all along.

Hopefully I won't end up like her though, that's a serious car crash...try to look away.

I think I will reach the end of that transition pretty damn soon though. I need stability, I need security, I need someone who cares about me as much as they care about themselves. I need what I had only a couple years ago with my dad and what used to be my family. In return I can do the same to whoever is willing. Is Redouane that person? He could be.