Hi. My life sucks.

I've been fighting the urge to jump off the Woodrow Wilson for quite a few days now. It's not healthy, I know, but my life has really reached a point where I cannot withstand the pressure of everyday life. Mostly the financial pressure, the fact that just having the basics: food, cell phone, car, car insurance, gas, and school is costing me more than most people my age because my parents have disowned me.

No, not really, but practically.

I haven't said much to my mother besides "FUCK OFF" for almost a month. I'm fed up with her bitching at me for every little thing I do or say or don't do or don't say. She called the police on me TWICE for the most retarded reasons, which resulted in me just loosing sleep. I'm done with her. It kills me because I'd love to have a mother who was my best friend but with her, it's her way or the highway for everything, even the way I feel or talk or do things.

My dad isn't much help either just because he can't be, he's got a lot of financial responsibilities as well. And he's raising his girlfriend's three year old son, so he hasn't time for his first born daughter who is struggling though the muck of life. Today is his birthday too, he's 47.

Redouane won't be back for another week. I don't even want to think about how insanely terrified I am of seeing him again and dealing with him again and not knowing what's going to happy with us. I know the best thing for both of us would be just to forget about each other and move on with our lives, but I can't bare the thought of loosing the only person in this world that wants to love me and take care of me, even if it means changing my life drastically. If I loose him, I might really die.

Friends are almost nonexistent. Lisa and Leticia are basically the only people I talk to now, and bless them for being in my life. Lisa and I have become oddly closer lately, calling each other every day to check up on each other, calling after work, after school, etc. She and I are both really busy most of the time with school and work but it's nice to escape with her for a while by just going to eat dinner, or doing something else. Leticia has also been helping me out a lot since I don't even have internet access at home anymore. I know we still have some issues to discuss from weeks ago when she expressed a lot of things that I just want to deal with at the time, she had very bad timing, but hopefully once those things are settled it'll be even better.

I don't talk very often to Brian or Jessica, I just don't know what we'd talk about. How much my life sucks or how much their lives suck??? Hmmm. I did call Tyler last weekend to wish him a happy belated birthday. He's so gay, and he'll always hold a place in my heart but I think our lives just don't mesh very well anymore. People just grow apart sometimes.

Sara hasn't called in over a week. She didn't talk to me at iftar one night at Oasis and that was it. I'm not going to call her, I don't want to deal with her "I'm going to be a Muslim wife even though I'm not Muslim but I know everything about it because I'm so smart" attitude. Sara's a very smart woman, and she's really great but she's got some issues that I don't want to be a part of, namely her relationship with her fiancee and her relationship with their employer and his wife.

Sam's in London doing her own thing, and more power to her. I hope she's having fun for the both of us. I'm just to jealous and bitter with the world to bother to communicate with her much. I'm a horrible person.

I've replaced friends with a membership to a Bollywood movie rental place. The magic of those movies are that they are all over two hours long. They keep me entertained forever. So, Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol are my new best friends.

I've been neglecting my school work and now I've found myself with a research paper and a summary paper both due tomorrow neither of which I've done any work for. The pressure isn't so bad, I can work miracles in a few hours, but I just hate having so many other things floating around in my head and not letting me concentrate properly.

Maybe now that I've expressed myself a little bit I'll be able to concentrate. My life sucks, but I have to deal with it so I can pass my classes and earn a degree and go on with my life blah blah blah.