Manic Depression

Every time my life isn't going so well, I think of Jimi Hendrix's "Manic Depression" and realize that whatever sorrow I'm feeling at the moment is nothing compared to another person somewhere in the world who is going through something much more difficult.

My life is bi-polar. I have these amazing highs followed by depressing lows, and not much in between.

I used to be a prisoner of my emotions, but I think that all the insanity I've faced in the past year has really changed that. I am still very emotional, but not about everything. Like men - not so emotional about anymore. I find it difficult to latch on to any guy emotionally, and only really endear myself to guys that I wouldn't have a chance of ever dating; mainly manwhores or gays. Or guys I would never get too serious with - Brahim.

If you haven't already guessed where this is going, then here it is - Mikey and I broke up. Not only did we break up, he refuses to speak to me. I wonder is Mrs. Glazer still checks up on me, she would be squirming with delight right now.

I hurt him. I thought I could have a serious relationship, I thought the distance wouldn't be a problem, I thought I was ready for a long term commitment...I was so wrong. And I made him my guinea pig in the big "let's see if Mendy can have a real boyfriend" experiment. I feel bad about it, about what I did and said and how it effected him. Unfortunately, I can't take it back, because it was all said and done for a reason.

He gave me an ultimatum. Well, first I betrayed his trust and surprised myself when I felt no qualms about going off with Redouane, one of the guys who works at Oasis, only three weeks into our relationship. What we went off and did is not so important, but I shouldn't have done it if I was serious about my relationship with Mikey. Anyway, my ultimatum was - either we work out my problems and continue to date, or he wanted nothing to do with me.

I offered him friendship. I asked him to give me time. I asked him to help me. I told him I didn't want to hurt him again. I told him that I didn't want the little things that were so different about us to tear us apart in the end. I told him I didn't want to change him, and that he shouldn't try to change me. I told him I was only 18, that I wasn't ready for what he wanted and needed from me.

He told me I should be changing things about my life. He told me I should hang out with different people. He told me that everyone he knew was in a serious relationship. He told me that I hurt him. And finally he told me that I could leave.

It was his birthday. I spent only 2 hours with him and the whole time we were talking, trying to figure things out. But in the end I was rushing around his room, getting all my stuff ready as fast as I could, in tears. He sat on his bed and watched. We didn't say much after that. I'm not sure if we'll ever say much again.

This by far has been the worst break up I've ever gone through. I guess it's because I actually cared about him and I knew he cared about me. I wish he hadn't decided that he wanted nothing to do with me, but I can't change his mind. I should have known better than to start a relationship with him in the first place. But like I said, I thought I was sure, I thought I was ready, but now I know I'm not.

I won't be in a serious relationship until I meet a guy who is all the things I've found in bits and pieces in the personalities of other guys. I've found a guy who's a hippie at heart like me, who liked good music and a pint. I found a guy who was cultured, funny and always had a cigarette in his mouth. I found a guy who was smart and understanding and very caring. Most importantly, they all played the guitar. There have been other guys who all had something that I love, that I look for in that ultimate person. I just need to find that ultimate person, or someone very close to it, before I'll be ready to commit my time, energy, emotion, and future to.

I'm not in a rush though, I'm having fun right now. I'm enjoying everyone that I meet, I'm enjoying the friends I have. Someday I'll be ready for what Mikey wanted, for what I wanted too, but for now, I'll just get back to being myself.