"forgive me my weakness..."

On the night of April 21st I went to LOVE with Redouane and Lisa. It's usually impossible to find a decent parking space, and being that LOVE is only blocks from a scary DC ghetto, a decent parking space will dramatically decrease the chances of your car being broken into or stolen. Unfortunately, the decent parking space I found was over a crosswalk that I didn't notice and I ended up getting a $50 ticket. That's not very decent.

Last Friday I realized that I still hadn't paid the ticket. It was the 19th, and if I didn't pay it before the 21st the fee would double. $100 is even less decent. Then I couldn't even remember where the ticket was, and after a while I realized that it was still at Redouane's apartment. I cursed myself for not remembering to bring it with me the last time I was at his place.

I had no choice but to call him. I hadn't talked to him or seen him since we decided to be friends that past Tuesday. After four days with no contact I was starting to recover, starting to get into a new routine, starting to accept that I couldn't be with him. To others, four days might not seem like enough time to recover but I spent mostly every day with him for almost two months. No contact with him for four whole days felt like an eternity. I knew calling him was a mistake but I couldn't afford not to.

I called him Friday night as he was getting to work. He was very nice on the phone and kindly agreed to stop by after work. He works 12 hour shifts from 7pm-7am so I went to sleep, still cursing myself for not paying the damn ticket.

He called at 8am to tell me he was outside my house. I went out and asked him if he wanted to come in. I shouldn't have done that. I should have just grabbed the ticket and ran like hell. He agreed, and came in. He gave me the ticket and a my t-shirt from the Strokes concert that I didn't even know I'd left there. I gave him back a few things that I had, and then we sat, at a distance. Neither one of us said anything for a while and then he told me he had a problem. I asked him what his problem was. He told me that there is a girl he likes, and he knows that she likes him, and they had been dating, but she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and he doesn't know what to do and he's really sad about it.

Redouane never speaks plainly. He'll use metaphors, examples from his life or the lives of others, stories, he'll make up hypothetical situations. It's cute most of the time, and when he told me about his "problem" I couldn't help but smile. I told him that maybe although the girl did like him a lot, she didn't want to have to deal with all the frustrations that went into dating him. I was even able to elaborate without getting emotional, which I hadn't been able to do before. I'd usually get flustered, or angry, or start crying. As I spoke, I could see that he finally realized how I felt, and he apologized.

A few minutes later I sat with him and he started to cuddle with me. He told me he missed me and that he would behave if I wanted to get back together. I couldn't resist. We ended up spending the day together.

It's been almost a week now and there has been improvement. He doesn't talk about other girls, he doesn't talk to other girls when I'm with him, and I can see that he's watching himself, he's trying to be less of a manwhore. It's a hard habit for him to break, he's been a manwhore for a decade. He's actually taking me seriously now, and that's all I was asking for.

I can't say that this is a happy ending. There is still the issue about the wife in Morocco. I have to wait and see if he'll continue to behave. It's just a second chance for the both of us. I can't say I was always right in the relationship. We'll just have to wait and see.

"Cheated Hearts"

Ash -

I'm sorry that you didn't know that Sam and Jon were friends and that they get along really well. I understand that must be a surprise to you especially since Jon was/is a good friend of yours. I didn't mean to be insensitive by writing that they are "potential lovers". I thought that although what you and Sam had together was very lovely and wonderful, you haven't really spoken to each other in about five months. Sam's been able to move on, not without heartache, but she's got a lot of new ventures to think about. I also wasn't really aware that you were having trouble with your depression again. I'm not sure how often you read my blog, I really didn't think that anyone but Sam read it because I update it so infrequently. I personally haven't been reading your blog; it's nothing personal, I just haven't had the time. I did take the time to read over the last few posts the other day. I am sorry if my nonchalance about Sam and Jon offended you. They are just friends for now, and my comment was really a tease towards Sam. Also, I hope you're not further offended that I'm making my apology "public". I hope that you and Sam will be able to continue your friendship when she moves to London, and I also hope you'll be able to find some inner peace for yourself. Take care and have a safe summer.




Redouane -

Throughout my teenage years, I've acted in some regrettable ways, although I've never been able to say that I've regretted any of my actions. Unfortunately, the more I think about the past three months that I've spent with you, the more I can say that I now know what regret feels like. There are so many things I should have never done with you. I should have never gone with you and Ali and Lisa that night. I should have never forgiven you for sleeping with Jessica, even though we weren't officially dating at the time. I should have never had to go through all the trouble with Jessica and her obsessive insanity. I should have never allowed you to disrespect and embarrass me by allowing you to behave like the womanizing, cheating, lying man that you are. I should have never continued my affair with you after I learned that you were married in Morocco, and had already cheated on your wife with a total of nine women in less than a year. I should have never become so attached to you so quickly. I should have never let you see me cry for you. I should have never told you that I loved you, especially since I wasn't sure that I meant it. I should have never gone to pick you up that night after it had been raining for two days, because I ended up smashing my car and now, after four weeks, the repairs are still not done.

Clearly, there is enough for me to hate your guts for the rest of your life. If only I could. The somewhat still innocent 17 year old girl who had a crush on you over a year ago still lives on. No matter how much I try, it's been hard to accept the realities when it comes to you. Not only is there all the things I've listed, but you're also 30 years old. You're ready for marriage and children...or at least you say you are. My opinion is that your future wife would be lucky to be run over by a camel. There is also the language and cultural barrier between us. The language wasn't such an issue, I think we were able to communicate very well most of the time. I embraced your culture in many ways, but obviously you've been raised to believe that women are inferior and can be handled however you feel like handling them. I could only tolerate that mentality for so long. Those are the realities and I've accepted that every day I spend without you is a better day.

Despite everything, the are are many fond memories and new experiences that I'll remember you for. I helped you become an American citizen, and I was very proud of you. You offered to let me use your car to go to school after my accident, and without it the last few weeks of classes would have been even more frustrating. There were the many nights we spent in your apartment watching Bollywood movies or Moroccan music videos eating fruit and bread. I'd always make sure to bring a bottle of water or something else to drink because the only thing you drink is buttermilk, which tastes like poo. I don't care if it is "good for sex"; you say everything is good for sex.

There were also the Thursday nights we went to LOVE. We took my mom once, which was the most awkward experience of my life. A night at the club with your mom and your boyfriend who is closer in age to her than to you. It was fun though. Other times we went with Lisa or other friends. My favorite time was the last time, because we went alone. I finally got you away from the bar and onto the dance floor, and we danced ALL night. LOVE was also where you got your name for me, Babyface. I made the mistake of thinking that LOVE was 18+ every night, but it was only on Thursday nights. The bouncer looked at my ID and after explaining the 21+ age requirements he said, "Look at your babyface." From then on I was Babyface. I didn't mind, but if you pissed me off I'd call you Oldface, which just makes the whole thing even more lame but it was funny because you'd get so offended.

If there is one thing I've learned from you it's the way that I don't want to be treated by a boyfriend. I never even knew if you were my boyfriend or not. Everything was always so uncertain with you. I would stay with you for days at a time, and it would be wonderful, but whenever I spent a night without you, the anxiety of wondering if you were with someone else would eat me alive. I would have nightmares where I'd find you having sex with Jessica on my bed, and I would strangle her to death. That anxiety, that frustration, that uncertainty; I don't want to feel that again, no matter how much I like the guy. It's not worth it.

I hope we can go back to being friends. I know that I will always have a weakness for you, and that I'd probably burst into tears if you said something nice to me. I know it will take a lot of strength for me to be friends with you again. I hope that you won't start a new "relationship" with someone else, because like I always say, you're old, and you're married. I doubt you'll stay single or celibate for long though, and I just hope that the next girl is lucky enough to get run over by a camel. I hope that you'll be able to decide what you want from your life, and that you will be able to find a woman that you can trust and open your heart to. Someone who will be able to help you and guide you for the rest of your life, someone you can have children with and be happy with. I hope you will be faithful and kind to her. Finally, I hope that I've made some sort of minor impact in your life, because I know you've made a major impact on mine.

Not Again...

Summer.

I know it's still Spring, but since I've successfully completed my first year of college it is...

Summer.

What have I to look forward to for the next three months?

There will definitely be many nights at Oasis. Maybe a trip to Livingston Manor, NY (party capital of the world; at least for my family) for the Fourth of July. Many nights of clubbing. The beach, hopefully. MY 19TH BIRTHDAY! The possible destruction of my soul if Redouane leaves for Morocco in August. He's planning on staying for three or four months. I can't even begin to describe how much of a mess I would be if he left, considering the circumstances, which I'd rather not discuss at this time. Bad circumstances. And finally, working five days a week and saving as much as possible. Why must I save???

I'm going back to London!!!!

Sam is moving in September, and since I have a month long break in between semesters at school, it's only necessary that I go spend it in London with my bestest friend in the whole wide world. She'll be living in a dorm at Rohampton, which is probably about the size of a closet, but we've already discussed accommodations. I'm going to AeroBed the shit out of her dorm. If there is room for a twin sized blow up mattress, I'm moving in! Even if there wasn't room, I'd still be moving in.

I'm looking forward to this trip much more than the first one. I'm somewhat familiar with the city. I don't have to worry about meeting people could turn out to be serial killers because Sam met them online. I have a place to stay without having to worry that the person's house we're staying at is a serial killer. I still don't know how to ride the tube but I'm sure Sam will learn before I get there. I saw a lot of tourist sites the first time around so this time I can explore a little more freely. I'll probably meet Jon, Sam's new potential lover, who's a friend of her ex boyfriend blah blah blah. It's cool. I might get to see the guys I met the first time around; that would be great. I'd be spending another new year in my favorite city, and best of all, I'll be 19 this time around, which means that I don't have to be paranoid about drinking. I'll be clear and free to buy and consume as many alcoholic beverages as I want.

Best of all this time it'll be all about Sam and I and the city. Ash was a great tour guide, we would have been lost without him but it's still special-er with just Sam and I. I told her that here only mission in life before I arrive is to find me a hookah bar in London so I can meet cool shisha smokers in London. I wonder if they are as cool as us American shisha smokers? Doubt it.

I plan on staying about three weeks, which means I have to save at least 1,000 from now until December. All the while I have to pay bills and support myself. But I'm determined, so I will save and I will be in London probably the day after Christmas this year.

I can't wait.

The Death of Me

"Why did we have to meet, on the night I lost my head?"

Peace.


Sweet.


I helped him become an American.

He's my age here. If only I'd met him then. Of course he didn't speak English then.


He makes me crazy. Insane.

Kill Me NOW.

This has been my life since 12pm Tuesday afternoon:
wake up, lay around with Redouane, take a shower, get dressed, eat dinner, go home, clean my room, go watch a movie at Brian's, go to Oasis, TRY to study for my communications final, go to work (it's now 7am yesterday), go home, sleep, can't sleep because people call, try to sleep again, can't sleep after Lisa calls and pisses me off (total hours slept: 5), talk to Sam (very good), go to dinner at IHOP, try to sleep again (no luck), go back to Oasis and study for my French final all night, go to work (7am-10am), ignore Lisa when she comes to work, take French final.

Doesn't sound so bad, besides the sleep deprivation, except since about noon yesterday it seems as if the world has turned against me.

I got my period earlier than expected while I was working yesterday and it got all over my Felix the Cat undies and my work khakis. I had to go home and wash my clothes when all I wanted to do was pass out.

My car still hasn't been fixed, not that I have the $500 to pay for the repairs. I need my car. I need $500. Just the stress of that is becoming too much.

Then Lisa called. I was already peeved at her, but then she decides that I'm to blame for everything and calls me when I already told her I WAS SLEEPING and makes me decide that I don't want to talk to her for a while. A long while. And it's been a long time since I've not wanted to talk to her. That's how annoyed I am with her right now.

Anyway, I got the most massive headache last night, along with cramps, and then realized I'd left both my pain killers and tampons AT HOME. I probably have 200 i-booo-pro-fin and 100 tampons at home. I ended up having to go to CVS at 2am.

The night at Oasis was nice. I saw my friend Mo aka Big Mo who I haven't seen in ages and we had a nice long talk. He offered (like a good friend does) to try and loan me some money to fix my car. Sweeeeet.

But then I was late to work this morning, and I'm becoming more and more annoyed with my Greek knome-of-a boss.

Redouane keeps telling me to find another job and that he wants to MARRY ME which is also a reason for me to hyperventilate. A good reason.

Work was profitable in the only 3 hours I went, and THE ONE MOST BRIGHT AND SUNNY MOMENT OF THE DAY: a regular customer gave me a menthol gumdrop - if you know me, you know my obsession with Vick's Vapor Rub - these gumdrops are like Vick's Vapor Rub candy. I expressed my immediate and complete devotion to them and the nice lady came back and gave me a whole bag of them, and the address to where I can stock up when I finish the bag, which will probably be in about 5 minutes.

Sadly, the joy did not last.

It's raining, and I had to speed drive to school for my French final and - excuse me - this fucking stupid ass FOP bitch who can't drive worth shit - almost hit me. I'M DRIVING REDOUANE'S CAR. If I got in an accident with his car, I think I'd kill myself.

I made it to class on time and in one piece but my French exam made my soul cry and now I have to cram for my communications exam.

Then I have to go to Reston to get some money from Sam who (like a truely great friend does) offered to loan me some cash to fix my wheels. I love Sam, and every moment I spend with her is like a moment in Heaven, but I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO RESTON.

Alas, I must. And I will. And then I'm going home to Redouane. And pasing - the - fuck - out. I think that will probably be at around 4pm today. He has to wake up at 6pm to go to work. I pray to Allah he doesn't try to wake me up. I will bite.

I will tear him to shreads.

Or just put my period on him.

Thankfully, I have an opportunity for a better and much more fun job coming up soon, and my last final is on Saturday. I think that Saturday night I will demand to one of my over 21 friends that they make me extremely intoxicated. Toasted. I look forward to that.

If I survive the next four hours.