TOMORROW NEVER KNOWS

Hi. My life sucks.

2006-10-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

I've been fighting the urge to jump off the Woodrow Wilson for quite a few days now. It's not healthy, I know, but my life has really reached a point where I cannot withstand the pressure of everyday life. Mostly the financial pressure, the fact that just having the basics: food, cell phone, car, car insurance, gas, and school is costing me more than most people my age because my parents have disowned me.

No, not really, but practically.

I haven't said much to my mother besides "FUCK OFF" for almost a month. I'm fed up with her bitching at me for every little thing I do or say or don't do or don't say. She called the police on me TWICE for the most retarded reasons, which resulted in me just loosing sleep. I'm done with her. It kills me because I'd love to have a mother who was my best friend but with her, it's her way or the highway for everything, even the way I feel or talk or do things.

My dad isn't much help either just because he can't be, he's got a lot of financial responsibilities as well. And he's raising his girlfriend's three year old son, so he hasn't time for his first born daughter who is struggling though the muck of life. Today is his birthday too, he's 47.

Redouane won't be back for another week. I don't even want to think about how insanely terrified I am of seeing him again and dealing with him again and not knowing what's going to happy with us. I know the best thing for both of us would be just to forget about each other and move on with our lives, but I can't bare the thought of loosing the only person in this world that wants to love me and take care of me, even if it means changing my life drastically. If I loose him, I might really die.

Friends are almost nonexistent. Lisa and Leticia are basically the only people I talk to now, and bless them for being in my life. Lisa and I have become oddly closer lately, calling each other every day to check up on each other, calling after work, after school, etc. She and I are both really busy most of the time with school and work but it's nice to escape with her for a while by just going to eat dinner, or doing something else. Leticia has also been helping me out a lot since I don't even have internet access at home anymore. I know we still have some issues to discuss from weeks ago when she expressed a lot of things that I just want to deal with at the time, she had very bad timing, but hopefully once those things are settled it'll be even better.

I don't talk very often to Brian or Jessica, I just don't know what we'd talk about. How much my life sucks or how much their lives suck??? Hmmm. I did call Tyler last weekend to wish him a happy belated birthday. He's so gay, and he'll always hold a place in my heart but I think our lives just don't mesh very well anymore. People just grow apart sometimes.

Sara hasn't called in over a week. She didn't talk to me at iftar one night at Oasis and that was it. I'm not going to call her, I don't want to deal with her "I'm going to be a Muslim wife even though I'm not Muslim but I know everything about it because I'm so smart" attitude. Sara's a very smart woman, and she's really great but she's got some issues that I don't want to be a part of, namely her relationship with her fiancee and her relationship with their employer and his wife.

Sam's in London doing her own thing, and more power to her. I hope she's having fun for the both of us. I'm just to jealous and bitter with the world to bother to communicate with her much. I'm a horrible person.

I've replaced friends with a membership to a Bollywood movie rental place. The magic of those movies are that they are all over two hours long. They keep me entertained forever. So, Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol are my new best friends.

I've been neglecting my school work and now I've found myself with a research paper and a summary paper both due tomorrow neither of which I've done any work for. The pressure isn't so bad, I can work miracles in a few hours, but I just hate having so many other things floating around in my head and not letting me concentrate properly.

Maybe now that I've expressed myself a little bit I'll be able to concentrate. My life sucks, but I have to deal with it so I can pass my classes and earn a degree and go on with my life blah blah blah.

2 More Weeks

2006-09-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

If I had a laptop, I would write more often.

Redouane will be back in two weeks. Only 14 more days. Two weeks from today will be THE DAY. I can't wait. I can wait, I have been waiting, for six freakin' weeks. It's so cute, he sends me text messages mostly every day and for some reason there are never spaces in the messages so I'll get a "iloveyoubabygoodnightbegood". Be good. I've been good. I hope he's been good. Everytime we bring up the subject he has to insist that if he wanted to he could get a prostitute for the evertday low-low price of only $20. He wouldn't do that though, because it's Ramadan. Thanks baby, I wouldn't cheat on you because I love you too. The man can write it but he can't say it.

I'm anxious about him coming back. There is soooooooo much to figure out. My whole future depends on what happens when he comes back.

Sam left me. She's gone to London. I'm happy for her, it's about time. We've emailed a lot already since she left two weeks ago. Reading about her experiences so far makes me remember our trip, two years ago. It's funny to think back on it now. I always think about how those guys will never realize the maginitude of the impact they had on our young teenage lives. Massive. Gargantuan. Good times, good times.

Hopefully if finances allow, I'll be able to go visit Sam for New Year. She's coming to the states for Christmas, and then the plan is for me to fly back with her and we'll have another New Year's bash. That would be FLY.

School is still school and work is still work. I'm trying to be more social, and make friends, because I don't have many. Besides Lisa, Redouane, Sam, Leticia, and Jessica. And I only talk to Lisa on a daily basis. Lisa has no friends too. We're both best friend losers.

Class starts soon. Hopefully I'll update before 2007.

Strawberry Fields Forever

2006-08-15T03:01:00.000-04:00

I'm surprised my blog hasn't deleted itself from lack of usage.

There is so much going on in my head right now. I'm not surprised, I haven't thought about much other than Redouane for the past six months. That's okay, but it's almost like I've forgotten myself. I've used him, and the many situations we've been in as barrier against having to deal with anything that really matters. Like the status of my family, money issues, school, friends or a lack there of, and like I said I haven't even really dealt with my own well-being.

I haven't broken up with Redouane. He left for Morocco on Thursday. He'll be gone for two months. It seems like an eternity. Not only because I love him and miss him but because I know how fast people can change because of life. Two months is more than long enough for many things to happen, or not happen.

I forgot how emotional and analytical I can be when left alone.

I'm only 19, and I'm in a relationship with a 31 year old man. His age doesn't really mean much except that he's had more life experience. Sometimes, or really most of the time, I consider myself more mature than him. He's like nothing I've ever experienced with a guy, it's been my longest and most stable relationship so far. There are many wonderful things about him...we're both completely insane, he's smart; he knows how to read people like I can. I have fun with him, I've learned so much about his culture (Moroccan and Muslim). I feel safe with him, comfortable.

He wants to get married. Settle down and start a family. There are many issues surrounding that. It seems like getting married and having kids is just a blind goal for him. Whenever I make him consider the emotional and financial efforts that go into reaching this goal he freaks out. How can you get married and start a family without the right woman, without a home, without a stable enough job? As much as Oasis has been a sort of home for me, and his workplace for years, you can't have a family on shisha money.

Six months of considering marriage and children has made it seem like a good idea. I'm open to many options as long as I can reach my personal goals along the way. I want to be a teacher and I want to travel. I want a happy, healthy and forever-lasting marriage. I want well-rounded children. I don't ask for much else. I don't need riches or fame, just enough to support myself and my family and the only people I want to remember me when I'm gone is anyone whose life I've touched. I'm flexible.

Redouane wants me to be his wife. That would require me to become Muslim. Although he'd want it, I don't see myself being a hijabi; I know I can be a modest and dignified woman without being covered head to toe. He would want a son ASAP; that would be so much pressure. I'd have to be very traditional, which I don't mind, I'm a very traditional soul despite my modern lifestyle. I think marriage is a one time deal, no matter what happens. Children are required and should be plentiful, I want three, maybe more. Women should cook and clean and raise the children, the men should work and provide the money and be loving husbands and fathers. I don't mean to disrespect anyone who disagrees, but why should you fix something that isn't broken? That's the way it's been since the beginning of time. I will work if and when I want to, and be an independent person besides my family.

I'm considering it. It's too soon to decide. Redouane has to start behaving like the old man that he is. He'd have to start thinking more with his OTHER head, he one above his shoulders. He'd also have to be able to compromise with me on a few things. I'm still a baby, and he'd have to deal with me growing up and learning a lot. But I'm a fast learner.

Now that he's gone I'll be at home a lot more. I would usually take a bag with clothes and stay with him for days, or I'd be working or with friends. My "home" is basically just a place to store my shit and crash when Redouane was working (he works nights).

My mom has been liberated from her epilepsy and turned into something. She's 40, starting her life all over again. She's lost weight, she's getting a divorce, she doesn't have to worry about her illness, and she's dating a guy she's been friends with for at least 10 years. He's quiet and nice, very shy. He wants to buy a house with my mom.

My sister is 13 now, which means that she's starting to realize what life is all about. She's developing into J.Lo which isn't so great just because I know how men are. She doesn't. I'm happy that she's becoming a beautiful young lady, as long as she keeps her shit together. Right now she's at the stage in her life where her phone is permanently glued to her head and any disagreement results in her declaring her hatered towards us and running up to her room and slamming the door. Typical.

I still rarely talk to my dad. He's no longer the father that was the sun of my life. I don't know what he is now, and it's too painful to see how different he is. I can't even talk to him anymore, and it breaks my heart. I know he's tried to get me back to "daddy's girl" status but I feel so emotionally abandoned by him that it's just impossible to confide in him. He's like a stranger. He still gives me money, and does favors for me if I need it, which I'm grateful for, but it doesn't matter.

My friends are all still around...somewhere. Leticia is starting NOVA this fall and is steady with her boyfriend. Sam is moving to London is less than a month. Jessica has a lot of issues none which include me, and Lisa is still Lisa. I've made a relatively new friend, Sara, she's the queen of Oasis. Sara's done a lot of the stuff that I could only dream of doing in my lifetime and I've learned a lot from her but I've also realized a few things. Sara is 25 and although she's been through so much in probably the last decade of her life, she still gets lost sometimes. She still doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, she just knows what she believes in. I love her, she's a great person, and I only hope that like all of us we can find our way to whatever it is we're looking for.

I haven't got many friends. I should probably work on that. I'm not really looking for just friends though, I need relationships that will last, someone to talk to, someone who can relate. As great as my friends are, we all have so many fucking issues to deal with, we rarely have time for each other. It's pathetic. We all seem to have family issues, money issues, boy issues, school issues that are all-consuming. We're adults now, this is life. I have to remember that.

What kills me is that I'm having to learn how to deal with my ultimate fear: being alone.

Sometimes I want to continue the days of only a couple years ago, when there weren't so many responsibilities and I could hang out and party and do anything with my friends for hours every day. Sometimes I want to be a mommy and a wife.

Oh my God...I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Sweet Jesus, Britney had it right all along.

Hopefully I won't end up like her though, that's a serious car crash...try to look away.

I think I will reach the end of that transition pretty damn soon though. I need stability, I need security, I need someone who cares about me as much as they care about themselves. I need what I had only a couple years ago with my dad and what used to be my family. In return I can do the same to whoever is willing. Is Redouane that person? He could be.

Random Thoughts: World Cup Semi-Finals

2006-07-01T18:03:00.000-04:00

Thanks to this 5" black and white portable TV made by COBY (whoever they are)...I've been able to watch most of the World Cup at work.

That picture is actual size. The clarity of the screen however, is not actual.

nonetheless I am ever grateful. I've been able to see many amazing goals including the ones made by Argentina's #8 and Beckham. I've seen plenty of SHIT calls by the referees, including countless yellow and red cards. I've seen many crazy fans. So, there have been good times and bad times. Recently more bad than good. Although Brazil lost today to France, which is good, both Argentina and England failed to make their penalty shots and lost to Germany and Portugal. I feel the sting of Argentina's loss the most, partially because some of those Portuguese players are absolutely gorgeous.

It's now down to four teams: Germany, Italy, Portugal and France. Germany plays Italy and Portugal is playing France and the winners of those two games will play each other in the championship in a week. The outlook is not so good. At least for me, because I don't like Germany. The chances of Italy beating Germany are not so great. Portugal vs. France I think will be a good match but I'm not sure that either of those teams can beat Germany either. I will cross my fingers though.

The only reason I would accept the championship for Germany is because they are playing at home and that would be nice for the German people. It would make for a great parties. Lots of national pride and beer and such. I can't imagine how much fun that would be. I don't think I'll even ever know what that feels like.

We will not discuss USA's performance at the Cup. We'll pretend it never happened.

I will now go continue the mourning of Argentina's loss. We'll just have to wait and see what happens next. At least it wasn't another Brazil/Germany match up. That would have been so boring. I still can't believe France beat them.

Although I don't REALLY care what happens now, my preference for the champion is:

1. Italy
2. Portugal
3. France
4. Germany

Maybe it'll be better in 2010. I'll be old then.

World Cup 2006

2006-06-08T22:25:00.000-04:00

It's like Christmas....for a month!!!

What determines if I like a team?

How much I like the people from that country
My past experiences with people from that country
The past success of the team
How much I like the country itself
The realistic chances of the team advancing
How cute the players on the team are
and of course the way they play. My methods are not completely bogus.

Based on these qualifications, these are my personal opinions on some teams...which are not meant to be completely serious or to offend anyone who is completely serious.

USA: If they are able to win the #1 spot in their group, which would mean beating Italy, there is still a chance in the quarterfinals. If they come in #2, they will most likely have to play Brazil, which means they should pack their bags before the game. I will still have faith for my motherland.

England: Not sure how Rooney is doing but apparently the hype is that they're not much without him. What ever happened to Beckham?? He got too cute. I hope Rooney recovers in time.

Germany: I know they're the host team, but I don't like stinkin' Germans. They're evil Nazis. And that wench Jessica is half German, speaks it and everything.

Mexico: I have a love-hate relationship with Mexico, but I have family in Mexico, and in Costa Rica, so I'd root for them. I'm not too sure if either team has much of a chance this year though.

Italy: I love everything Italian, and they're one of the top teams, so GOOO ITALY!!!

Brazil: They're the best, everyone knows it, they've won FIVE championships in a tournament that only happens every four years...that's impressive. I get it. I used to have the biggest crush on Ronaldo. But really, it's almost too much. Let another team have a little glory.

Tunisia: The only north African team in the Cup. I'd root for them based on that, but Redouane's roommate is Tunisian. He's a nice guy, but he's married, and he has two girlfriends, and he thinks it's funny. I'm not laughing.

Argentina: Usually I'd like them, the guys are so hot, but Redouane was married to an Argentinean a couple years ago and he's just a little too excited about the team for me not to be a little peeved. I still like them somewhat though, if they play well I'll probably end up loving them again.

Holland: Amsterdam....GO HOLLAND!!!!

So, to anyone who cares about this marvelous event which is about to start TOMORROW, have fun and go crazy because it only happens every four years.

"forgive me my weakness..."

2006-05-26T19:43:00.000-04:00

On the night of April 21st I went to LOVE with Redouane and Lisa. It's usually impossible to find a decent parking space, and being that LOVE is only blocks from a scary DC ghetto, a decent parking space will dramatically decrease the chances of your car being broken into or stolen. Unfortunately, the decent parking space I found was over a crosswalk that I didn't notice and I ended up getting a $50 ticket. That's not very decent.

Last Friday I realized that I still hadn't paid the ticket. It was the 19th, and if I didn't pay it before the 21st the fee would double. $100 is even less decent. Then I couldn't even remember where the ticket was, and after a while I realized that it was still at Redouane's apartment. I cursed myself for not remembering to bring it with me the last time I was at his place.

I had no choice but to call him. I hadn't talked to him or seen him since we decided to be friends that past Tuesday. After four days with no contact I was starting to recover, starting to get into a new routine, starting to accept that I couldn't be with him. To others, four days might not seem like enough time to recover but I spent mostly every day with him for almost two months. No contact with him for four whole days felt like an eternity. I knew calling him was a mistake but I couldn't afford not to.

I called him Friday night as he was getting to work. He was very nice on the phone and kindly agreed to stop by after work. He works 12 hour shifts from 7pm-7am so I went to sleep, still cursing myself for not paying the damn ticket.

He called at 8am to tell me he was outside my house. I went out and asked him if he wanted to come in. I shouldn't have done that. I should have just grabbed the ticket and ran like hell. He agreed, and came in. He gave me the ticket and a my t-shirt from the Strokes concert that I didn't even know I'd left there. I gave him back a few things that I had, and then we sat, at a distance. Neither one of us said anything for a while and then he told me he had a problem. I asked him what his problem was. He told me that there is a girl he likes, and he knows that she likes him, and they had been dating, but she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and he doesn't know what to do and he's really sad about it.

Redouane never speaks plainly. He'll use metaphors, examples from his life or the lives of others, stories, he'll make up hypothetical situations. It's cute most of the time, and when he told me about his "problem" I couldn't help but smile. I told him that maybe although the girl did like him a lot, she didn't want to have to deal with all the frustrations that went into dating him. I was even able to elaborate without getting emotional, which I hadn't been able to do before. I'd usually get flustered, or angry, or start crying. As I spoke, I could see that he finally realized how I felt, and he apologized.

A few minutes later I sat with him and he started to cuddle with me. He told me he missed me and that he would behave if I wanted to get back together. I couldn't resist. We ended up spending the day together.

It's been almost a week now and there has been improvement. He doesn't talk about other girls, he doesn't talk to other girls when I'm with him, and I can see that he's watching himself, he's trying to be less of a manwhore. It's a hard habit for him to break, he's been a manwhore for a decade. He's actually taking me seriously now, and that's all I was asking for.

I can't say that this is a happy ending. There is still the issue about the wife in Morocco. I have to wait and see if he'll continue to behave. It's just a second chance for the both of us. I can't say I was always right in the relationship. We'll just have to wait and see.

"Cheated Hearts"

2006-05-20T01:11:00.000-04:00

Ash -

I'm sorry that you didn't know that Sam and Jon were friends and that they get along really well. I understand that must be a surprise to you especially since Jon was/is a good friend of yours. I didn't mean to be insensitive by writing that they are "potential lovers". I thought that although what you and Sam had together was very lovely and wonderful, you haven't really spoken to each other in about five months. Sam's been able to move on, not without heartache, but she's got a lot of new ventures to think about. I also wasn't really aware that you were having trouble with your depression again. I'm not sure how often you read my blog, I really didn't think that anyone but Sam read it because I update it so infrequently. I personally haven't been reading your blog; it's nothing personal, I just haven't had the time. I did take the time to read over the last few posts the other day. I am sorry if my nonchalance about Sam and Jon offended you. They are just friends for now, and my comment was really a tease towards Sam. Also, I hope you're not further offended that I'm making my apology "public". I hope that you and Sam will be able to continue your friendship when she moves to London, and I also hope you'll be able to find some inner peace for yourself. Take care and have a safe summer.

Redouane -

Throughout my teenage years, I've acted in some regrettable ways, although I've never been able to say that I've regretted any of my actions. Unfortunately, the more I think about the past three months that I've spent with you, the more I can say that I now know what regret feels like. There are so many things I should have never done with you. I should have never gone with you and Ali and Lisa that night. I should have never forgiven you for sleeping with Jessica, even though we weren't officially dating at the time. I should have never had to go through all the trouble with Jessica and her obsessive insanity. I should have never allowed you to disrespect and embarrass me by allowing you to behave like the womanizing, cheating, lying man that you are. I should have never continued my affair with you after I learned that you were married in Morocco, and had already cheated on your wife with a total of nine women in less than a year. I should have never become so attached to you so quickly. I should have never let you see me cry for you. I should have never told you that I loved you, especially since I wasn't sure that I meant it. I should have never gone to pick you up that night after it had been raining for two days, because I ended up smashing my car and now, after four weeks, the repairs are still not done.

Clearly, there is enough for me to hate your guts for the rest of your life. If only I could. The somewhat still innocent 17 year old girl who had a crush on you over a year ago still lives on. No matter how much I try, it's been hard to accept the realities when it comes to you. Not only is there all the things I've listed, but you're also 30 years old. You're ready for marriage and children...or at least you say you are. My opinion is that your future wife would be lucky to be run over by a camel. There is also the language and cultural barrier between us. The language wasn't such an issue, I think we were able to communicate very well most of the time. I embraced your culture in many ways, but obviously you've been raised to believe that women are inferior and can be handled however you feel like handling them. I could only tolerate that mentality for so long. Those are the realities and I've accepted that every day I spend without you is a better day.

Despite everything, the are are many fond memories and new experiences that I'll remember you for. I helped you become an American citizen, and I was very proud of you. You offered to let me use your car to go to school after my accident, and without it the last few weeks of classes would have been even more frustrating. There were the many nights we spent in your apartment watching Bollywood movies or Moroccan music videos eating fruit and bread. I'd always make sure to bring a bottle of water or something else to drink because the only thing you drink is buttermilk, which tastes like poo. I don't care if it is "good for sex"; you say everything is good for sex.

There were also the Thursday nights we went to LOVE. We took my mom once, which was the most awkward experience of my life. A night at the club with your mom and your boyfriend who is closer in age to her than to you. It was fun though. Other times we went with Lisa or other friends. My favorite time was the last time, because we went alone. I finally got you away from the bar and onto the dance floor, and we danced ALL night. LOVE was also where you got your name for me, Babyface. I made the mistake of thinking that LOVE was 18+ every night, but it was only on Thursday nights. The bouncer looked at my ID and after explaining the 21+ age requirements he said, "Look at your babyface." From then on I was Babyface. I didn't mind, but if you pissed me off I'd call you Oldface, which just makes the whole thing even more lame but it was funny because you'd get so offended.

If there is one thing I've learned from you it's the way that I don't want to be treated by a boyfriend. I never even knew if you were my boyfriend or not. Everything was always so uncertain with you. I would stay with you for days at a time, and it would be wonderful, but whenever I spent a night without you, the anxiety of wondering if you were with someone else would eat me alive. I would have nightmares where I'd find you having sex with Jessica on my bed, and I would strangle her to death. That anxiety, that frustration, that uncertainty; I don't want to feel that again, no matter how much I like the guy. It's not worth it.

I hope we can go back to being friends. I know that I will always have a weakness for you, and that I'd probably burst into tears if you said something nice to me. I know it will take a lot of strength for me to be friends with you again. I hope that you won't start a new "relationship" with someone else, because like I always say, you're old, and you're married. I doubt you'll stay single or celibate for long though, and I just hope that the next girl is lucky enough to get run over by a camel. I hope that you'll be able to decide what you want from your life, and that you will be able to find a woman that you can trust and open your heart to. Someone who will be able to help you and guide you for the rest of your life, someone you can have children with and be happy with. I hope you will be faithful and kind to her. Finally, I hope that I've made some sort of minor impact in your life, because I know you've made a major impact on mine.

Not Again...

2006-05-15T19:10:00.000-04:00

Summer.

I know it's still Spring, but since I've successfully completed my first year of college it is...

Summer.

What have I to look forward to for the next three months?

There will definitely be many nights at Oasis. Maybe a trip to Livingston Manor, NY (party capital of the world; at least for my family) for the Fourth of July. Many nights of clubbing. The beach, hopefully. MY 19TH BIRTHDAY! The possible destruction of my soul if Redouane leaves for Morocco in August. He's planning on staying for three or four months. I can't even begin to describe how much of a mess I would be if he left, considering the circumstances, which I'd rather not discuss at this time. Bad circumstances. And finally, working five days a week and saving as much as possible. Why must I save???

I'm going back to London!!!!

Sam is moving in September, and since I have a month long break in between semesters at school, it's only necessary that I go spend it in London with my bestest friend in the whole wide world. She'll be living in a dorm at Rohampton, which is probably about the size of a closet, but we've already discussed accommodations. I'm going to AeroBed the shit out of her dorm. If there is room for a twin sized blow up mattress, I'm moving in! Even if there wasn't room, I'd still be moving in.

I'm looking forward to this trip much more than the first one. I'm somewhat familiar with the city. I don't have to worry about meeting people could turn out to be serial killers because Sam met them online. I have a place to stay without having to worry that the person's house we're staying at is a serial killer. I still don't know how to ride the tube but I'm sure Sam will learn before I get there. I saw a lot of tourist sites the first time around so this time I can explore a little more freely. I'll probably meet Jon, Sam's new potential lover, who's a friend of her ex boyfriend blah blah blah. It's cool. I might get to see the guys I met the first time around; that would be great. I'd be spending another new year in my favorite city, and best of all, I'll be 19 this time around, which means that I don't have to be paranoid about drinking. I'll be clear and free to buy and consume as many alcoholic beverages as I want.

Best of all this time it'll be all about Sam and I and the city. Ash was a great tour guide, we would have been lost without him but it's still special-er with just Sam and I. I told her that here only mission in life before I arrive is to find me a hookah bar in London so I can meet cool shisha smokers in London. I wonder if they are as cool as us American shisha smokers? Doubt it.

I plan on staying about three weeks, which means I have to save at least 1,000 from now until December. All the while I have to pay bills and support myself. But I'm determined, so I will save and I will be in London probably the day after Christmas this year.

I can't wait.

The Death of Me

2006-05-12T19:43:00.000-04:00

"Why did we have to meet, on the night I lost my head?"

Peace.

Sweet.

I helped him become an American.

He's my age here. If only I'd met him then. Of course he didn't speak English then.

He makes me crazy. Insane.

Kill Me NOW.

2006-05-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

This has been my life since 12pm Tuesday afternoon:
wake up, lay around with Redouane, take a shower, get dressed, eat dinner, go home, clean my room, go watch a movie at Brian's, go to Oasis, TRY to study for my communications final, go to work (it's now 7am yesterday), go home, sleep, can't sleep because people call, try to sleep again, can't sleep after Lisa calls and pisses me off (total hours slept: 5), talk to Sam (very good), go to dinner at IHOP, try to sleep again (no luck), go back to Oasis and study for my French final all night, go to work (7am-10am), ignore Lisa when she comes to work, take French final.

Doesn't sound so bad, besides the sleep deprivation, except since about noon yesterday it seems as if the world has turned against me.

I got my period earlier than expected while I was working yesterday and it got all over my Felix the Cat undies and my work khakis. I had to go home and wash my clothes when all I wanted to do was pass out.

My car still hasn't been fixed, not that I have the $500 to pay for the repairs. I need my car. I need $500. Just the stress of that is becoming too much.

Then Lisa called. I was already peeved at her, but then she decides that I'm to blame for everything and calls me when I already told her I WAS SLEEPING and makes me decide that I don't want to talk to her for a while. A long while. And it's been a long time since I've not wanted to talk to her. That's how annoyed I am with her right now.

Anyway, I got the most massive headache last night, along with cramps, and then realized I'd left both my pain killers and tampons AT HOME. I probably have 200 i-booo-pro-fin and 100 tampons at home. I ended up having to go to CVS at 2am.

The night at Oasis was nice. I saw my friend Mo aka Big Mo who I haven't seen in ages and we had a nice long talk. He offered (like a good friend does) to try and loan me some money to fix my car. Sweeeeet.

But then I was late to work this morning, and I'm becoming more and more annoyed with my Greek knome-of-a boss.

Redouane keeps telling me to find another job and that he wants to MARRY ME which is also a reason for me to hyperventilate. A good reason.

Work was profitable in the only 3 hours I went, and THE ONE MOST BRIGHT AND SUNNY MOMENT OF THE DAY: a regular customer gave me a menthol gumdrop - if you know me, you know my obsession with Vick's Vapor Rub - these gumdrops are like Vick's Vapor Rub candy. I expressed my immediate and complete devotion to them and the nice lady came back and gave me a whole bag of them, and the address to where I can stock up when I finish the bag, which will probably be in about 5 minutes.

Sadly, the joy did not last.

It's raining, and I had to speed drive to school for my French final and - excuse me - this fucking stupid ass FOP bitch who can't drive worth shit - almost hit me. I'M DRIVING REDOUANE'S CAR. If I got in an accident with his car, I think I'd kill myself.

I made it to class on time and in one piece but my French exam made my soul cry and now I have to cram for my communications exam.

Then I have to go to Reston to get some money from Sam who (like a truely great friend does) offered to loan me some cash to fix my wheels. I love Sam, and every moment I spend with her is like a moment in Heaven, but I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO RESTON.

Alas, I must. And I will. And then I'm going home to Redouane. And pasing - the - fuck - out. I think that will probably be at around 4pm today. He has to wake up at 6pm to go to work. I pray to Allah he doesn't try to wake me up. I will bite.

I will tear him to shreads.

Or just put my period on him.

Thankfully, I have an opportunity for a better and much more fun job coming up soon, and my last final is on Saturday. I think that Saturday night I will demand to one of my over 21 friends that they make me extremely intoxicated. Toasted. I look forward to that.

If I survive the next four hours.

Event Reminder: The Strokes

2006-04-22T10:07:00.000-04:00

I just recieved an email from the friendly faces at ticketmaster.com reminding me that I am going to go see The Strokes perform on Wednesday.

Like I need a reminder.

I am already so excited I'm scared I might pee myself.

This will be me for the next week. Before, during, and after I see The Strokes LIVE IN CONCERT.

I SUCK AT THIS

2006-04-13T01:57:00.000-04:00

I'm writing to no one but myself I'm sure.

A month has come and gone since my last post. A month, a week, and a day to be precise.

What have I been up to? Inquiring minds want to know. I'm sure of it.

I witnessed Franz Ferdinand LIVE IN CONCERT for the first time yesterday. It was ammmmazing. I must say, Franz's first CD is nothing but an acid trip down London Memory Road. Sam and I had more than a few "moments".

The Cribs and Death Cab for Cutie performed too. The Cribs are all brothers, British, and DAMN are they tall. Death Cab was very good too, they are amazing performers, especially the lead singer, but I'm not very familiar with their tunes, and a lot of their stuff is so mellow...almost too mellow. I started dozing off during a couple songs.

What else is going on in my world? School, as usual. Exams are coming up in the next couple weeks, and I'm excited to be done with my first year of college. I think I'm also ready to declare a major. Yes, I shall be committing to something. Committing. Oooh-la-la. I want to be an elementary school teacher, or an ESL teacher for all ages, or a high school counselor. I'm leaning more towards the ESL teacher, I've grown up around friends and family who can't quite speak English properly and I know how much it can impact their everyday life. I'm not trying to push English as the ULTIMATE and SUPREME language of the universe, but if you're living in the United States, it really helps. So, ta-da, I have decided. Wish me luck.

What else?

Men? Men...

I can't get into it. That topic requires discussion. Ranting at a computer screen will result in me making little or no sense at all. I sometimes doubt I ever make sense. A briefing on the situation I'm currently in...with a little backtracking...

Feb '06: Landed my ultimate fantasy at the time, Redouane. In the process I cheated on Mikey. I only did it once though. And I wasn't dating Redouane. It was just an ego thing.

March '06: Did it again. Then broke up with Mikey, on his birthday....I'm so nice, right? Did it a few times more, then learned that Redouane was doing it to another girl too, Jessica. Learned that Redouane is an aspiring polygamist and probably a nympho. I got REALLY drunk. I yelled at him for three days, and then I did it again, who knows how many times.

April '06: Still at it. One drunken night he called Jessica on my phone, and so did Lisa, who left her a vicious message, and now...I'm being harassed. Jessica is like the female Eminem...racial confusion. She doesn't rap though. It'd be funny to see her try. Also, Redouane asked me to be his girlfriend, finally, to which I accepted, but with a lot of caution. A LOT OF CAUTION. You don't take this guy with a grain of salt, you take him with a pound of salt. I don't think accepting was very wise, but I'm sure I'll be able to work around it.

Semi-briefing. Men are so hazardous to my health. Moroccans especially. I think I'm done with guys for a while, after Redouane. They cause too much aches - headaches, backaches, heartaches...I'll just be on stand-by until someone really cool comes along.

That's men. Anything else???

I'm going to see the Strokes on April 26th....I AM SO EXCITED. I WILL HAVE MULTIPLE MUSICAL ORGASMS AND I WILL SCREAM WITH PLEASURE.

I'm very much in love with Yeah Yeah Yeah's new CD. And People In Planes. I recommend both, but YYY's a little more.

There is a bird chirping outside my window, at 2:26am. Isn't it a little early?! Bastard.

Life goes on. Adios amigos.

Manic Depression

2006-03-05T22:29:00.000-05:00

Every time my life isn't going so well, I think of Jimi Hendrix's "Manic Depression" and realize that whatever sorrow I'm feeling at the moment is nothing compared to another person somewhere in the world who is going through something much more difficult.

My life is bi-polar. I have these amazing highs followed by depressing lows, and not much in between.

I used to be a prisoner of my emotions, but I think that all the insanity I've faced in the past year has really changed that. I am still very emotional, but not about everything. Like men - not so emotional about anymore. I find it difficult to latch on to any guy emotionally, and only really endear myself to guys that I wouldn't have a chance of ever dating; mainly manwhores or gays. Or guys I would never get too serious with - Brahim.

If you haven't already guessed where this is going, then here it is - Mikey and I broke up. Not only did we break up, he refuses to speak to me. I wonder is Mrs. Glazer still checks up on me, she would be squirming with delight right now.

I hurt him. I thought I could have a serious relationship, I thought the distance wouldn't be a problem, I thought I was ready for a long term commitment...I was so wrong. And I made him my guinea pig in the big "let's see if Mendy can have a real boyfriend" experiment. I feel bad about it, about what I did and said and how it effected him. Unfortunately, I can't take it back, because it was all said and done for a reason.

He gave me an ultimatum. Well, first I betrayed his trust and surprised myself when I felt no qualms about going off with Redouane, one of the guys who works at Oasis, only three weeks into our relationship. What we went off and did is not so important, but I shouldn't have done it if I was serious about my relationship with Mikey. Anyway, my ultimatum was - either we work out my problems and continue to date, or he wanted nothing to do with me.

I offered him friendship. I asked him to give me time. I asked him to help me. I told him I didn't want to hurt him again. I told him that I didn't want the little things that were so different about us to tear us apart in the end. I told him I didn't want to change him, and that he shouldn't try to change me. I told him I was only 18, that I wasn't ready for what he wanted and needed from me.

He told me I should be changing things about my life. He told me I should hang out with different people. He told me that everyone he knew was in a serious relationship. He told me that I hurt him. And finally he told me that I could leave.

It was his birthday. I spent only 2 hours with him and the whole time we were talking, trying to figure things out. But in the end I was rushing around his room, getting all my stuff ready as fast as I could, in tears. He sat on his bed and watched. We didn't say much after that. I'm not sure if we'll ever say much again.

This by far has been the worst break up I've ever gone through. I guess it's because I actually cared about him and I knew he cared about me. I wish he hadn't decided that he wanted nothing to do with me, but I can't change his mind. I should have known better than to start a relationship with him in the first place. But like I said, I thought I was sure, I thought I was ready, but now I know I'm not.

I won't be in a serious relationship until I meet a guy who is all the things I've found in bits and pieces in the personalities of other guys. I've found a guy who's a hippie at heart like me, who liked good music and a pint. I found a guy who was cultured, funny and always had a cigarette in his mouth. I found a guy who was smart and understanding and very caring. Most importantly, they all played the guitar. There have been other guys who all had something that I love, that I look for in that ultimate person. I just need to find that ultimate person, or someone very close to it, before I'll be ready to commit my time, energy, emotion, and future to.

I'm not in a rush though, I'm having fun right now. I'm enjoying everyone that I meet, I'm enjoying the friends I have. Someday I'll be ready for what Mikey wanted, for what I wanted too, but for now, I'll just get back to being myself.

Happy VD!!

2006-02-14T23:12:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is so lame.

It used to be cute, in elementary school. I remember making an "elaborately" decorated brown paper bag to hold the valentines I got from all my classmates. I remember carefully choosing the valentines I was going to give, always choosing an extra sweet and mushy one for the guy I had a crush on.

Yeah, those were the days.

This is actually my first year with a real valentine. I was talking to Mikey last night, right around midnight, and he asked me ever so very sweetly, "Would you be my valentine?"

I nearly melted into the carpet.

We already exchanged gifts and cards sent through the mail. It was lovely. It's nice to have a valentine, but I can't say it really makes a big difference. VD is just another day, and being in the situation I'm in, any day I can spend with Mikey is special.

So who needs VD? Not me!

I still think it's cute, for other people. There was an engagement today in my family. I'm very happy for them.

I guess VD isn't that lame. Maybe I'm bitter I can't be with Mikey. Maybe I'm just tired, I had to wake up early after going to sleep late to finish homework, and I'll have to do that again tonight.

Blah. Happy VD.

Tag - You're It!

2006-02-10T01:20:00.000-05:00

I've never responded when I've been tagged by Sam, and I always feel bad about it afterwards, because usually by the time I remember I've been tagged, way too much time has passed. I just read that I've been tagged so I will perform my being "it" duties for once. By the way, I saw this one on Dooce's blog, so that's pretty cool, makes me feel like a real blogger.

Four jobs that I've had:

Have I even had four jobs? Let's see, in order...

1. The Coffee Co.: Learned to make a variety of coffee drinks and realized that Starbucks really was a scam, they make you pay extra for taking up all the room in your cup with frothed milk that covers up that fact that only 1/3 of the cup is filled with a shot or two of espresso.

2. The Party Co.: (I like Co.'s I guess) I learned to blow up balloons like a pro., if there is such a thing as a "professional balloon blower upper".

3. Old Navy: I worked here for two days, decided clothes retail was not for me, and never returned. Less than a week later I left for London so I wasn't feeling too bad.

4. Banner's Hallmark: Eh, it's okay. I make money. It's how I met Mikey!

Four movies I could watch over and over:

1. Almost Famous
2. Y Tu Mama Tambien
3. Fight Club
4. Hotel Rwanda

and many more...

Four places that I have lived:

I haven't lived in four places!

1. Annandale, VA as a fetus/infant
2. Fairfax, VA as a young child
3. Alexandria, VA since I was 10.

I don't get around much.

Four TV shows I watch:

I'd say House but I work every Tuesday now so I can never see it anymore. It's so sad. I miss Hugh!

1. Project Runway
2. CSI (only the original in "Vegas Baby!!")
3. anything on VHI, is that a valid answer?
4. Sex and the City

Four places I've vacationed:

1. El Salvador
2. Sandusky, Ohio (Ohio is an odd state)
3. Orlando, Florida (Disney World of course)
4. London, England

Four of my favorite dishes:

1. arroz con leche
2. chili with sausage
3. seafood pasta made by mom
4. burgers and fries

Four sites I visit daily:

Sadly, I don't have that kind of time, so weekly...

1. Dooce (and can you tell I worship her?)
2. Sam
3. Ash
4. Mine!
Four places I'd rather be:

1. CNU NEWPORT NEWS, VA!!!!!
2. The Black Bird in London
3. Livingston Manor, NY (only in the summertime)
4. Oasis, my hooka away from home

And now, I will tag Ash and Leticia.

Dooced

2006-02-08T22:24:00.000-05:00

I've been dooced by my boyfriend's parents. My blog has been discovered and due to its contents, I have been branded as evil.

Shit.

Excuse my language.

Actually, don't excuse my language. This is MY blog. I can say SHIT if I want. Even if Mikey's parents will read it. I'm "old enough" to say SHIT. I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. Even if Mikey's parents will read it.

I'm sorry. Please excuse my language.

I feel like shit. I feel like a criminal. I feel like a bad influence. I feel like a bad person.

I'm really not.

I know I definitely do things that parents would not approve of, mine including, but I'm 18 years old and I have an insane thirst for experience. I don't plan on doing these things all my life, and I would definitely defend the fact that I am not squandering my life away drinking, smoking, doing drugs, getting tattoos and having sex. Yes, I have done these things, I will not deny it and I will not be ashamed of it. It does not make me a bad person. It makes me human. I know not everyone has done what I've done, and that's fine. I never pressure anyone to accept my lifestyle or to make it theirs. I'm not a missionary. All I ask is for the same consideration from those who are against it, and not to be judged for only a fraction of what makes up my personality.

Besides all my "evil" vices, I also enjoy music and photography, the company of my family and friends, and travel...I write about these things too.

I don't often write about the "everyday" because everyone who reads my blog knows me and probably knows what my life is like right now. Most of the week I'm concerned about putting myself through college, my parents getting divorced, my mother who just had brain surgery to cure her life long epilepsy, my job, and the fact that I'm basically supporting myself right now. My parents provide me with a home and a car, and not much else. I pay my cell phone, my gas, my car insurance, my food and clothes, and anything else I might need. It's hard, it's stressful, but I do it so that someday soon I will be able to really support myself entirely, and continue to educate myself and experience everything I want to. Despite the stresses, I enjoy my life, and I have control over my future.

I am very proud of myself, and I don't appreciate being judged and branded as a bad person by anyone. I don't like having to defend myself, and I hate that I even care what others might think of me, but the truth is that I'd rather expose and attempt to defend myself than loose a good friend and a wonderful boyfriend.

I'm really a good person.

I'm a good person because my mother taught me to love my family and to always be cautious. My father taught me to think for myself and to value education. They've both always been very honest with me and I love them, even when I hate them.

I'm a good person because I have friends and family who love me, and who are proud of me and who support me and who understand me. I don't have to explain myself to them, they know everything about me and think I'm wonderful.

I'm a good person because I am happy with myself, and I'm happy with the life I've had.

Maybe I'm just be a foolish teenager, but many say I'm wise beyond my years.

I'm Alive

2006-02-02T00:48:00.000-05:00

I will say this very happily: I am not the same person I was when I wrote my last entry. Reasons...

1. My mother successfully had brain surgery on the 18th to remove a malicious piece of brain that has caused her to have a unique form of seizures 3-16 times a month since she was 5 years-old. She's recovering now, hasn't had any bad side effects, and is expected to be well for the rest of her life.

2. I had my wisdom teeth, two on the bottom, removed on the 20th. I was foolishly looking forward to a few days of narcotic pain killer filled fun and rest. Instead I developed the worst possible post wisdom teeth removal condition, dry sockets, and have spent the last two weeks in EXCRUCIATING PAIN. A dry socket is when a blood clot does not form within the wounds to protect the ultra sensitive and newly exposed nerve endings. Dry sockets hurt badly, and Vicodin did not help at all. I spent many a sleepless teary-eyed nights.

3. To make matters worse, I learned today that my excruciating dry socket was caused and being constantly made even more excruciating by my SMOKING. I know I said I'd quit, and I did cut down even more to practically nothing, but apparently it wasn't enough. I felt like a fool when the doctor told me, and I cried. I cried because I felt stupid, I cried because I was ashamed, I cried because I had been causing myself the pain and discomfort that made me want to die. I didn't cry in of the doctor though; I was alone in my car, and I cried again when I called Mikey and told him. I've sworn off all smoking for AT LEAST until my wounds heal completely and hopefully by then I won't want to smoke regularly at all anymore, ever again. Social smoking like I said before is still acceptable. I couldn't give up the hooka or drunk smoking.

4. I am falling in love. I can't believe it, or I can, but it's too good to be true. Mikey has been such a good friend to me since I met him last Spring, and now he's the best boyfriend I've ever had. It might sound cheesy, but we connect at such a deep and intense level...it's scary how easy and comfortable it is to accept the fact that I can't go a single day without talking to him, telling him how much I miss him and care for him. And he feels the same way. I took him back to school on Saturday the 14th, and we though we'd be able to go six weeks without seeing each other. We only lasted two. I packed my bags and raced down to CNU last Friday. I could only stay until Sunday morning, and it was wonderful but I already miss him desperately. It'll be another month, or 27 days until we see each other again.

Otherwise, life goes on as usual. School started on the 24th and my classes are great, the professors are great, the subjects I'm learning about are great. I'm still working, only four days/20 hours a week instead of the five days/30+ hours I was doing last semester. I've saved enough to take it easy for a while, and that's what I plan to do. Relax as much as possible, study and learn as much as possible, and enjoy the current flow of my life.

Mis Amores

2006-01-13T01:57:00.000-05:00

Today I:

Had a conversation with my mom about the meaning of John Lennon's "Imagine" as I was taking her to work. We both love the song, and as we listened to it, she described the image it created for her of a happy couple blissfully walking through a park hand in hand. I explained to her that the song was about world peace and unity and she actually listened to what I had to say, and made remarks that weren't uncalled for. It was quite a moment.

Mikey came over to keep me company. We are most officially going steady and it is oh, so nice.

I went to Oasis (the hooka bar) and had my last cigarette and hooka for at least the next two weeks. I'm having my wisdom teeth removed on the 20th and since I've never had any type of invasive surgery, I'm taking all the precautions necessary. The guide I got from the doctor said I must quit smoking at least a week prior to surgery, and then at least 48 after. It did not say "MENDY you must quit smoking!!!!" but it was close enough.

I'm also considering quitting my regular smoking habits all together. I haven't been enjoying it as much as usual recently, I feel like a novice again, feeling lightheaded after a few drags and then being annoyed and nauseated by the smell afterwards. Mikey doesn't like my smoking either, and although that's not a reason to quit, I would be quitting for myself and by myself, it's something that would make him happy. This does not exclude social smoking at parties, clubs, Oasis or while I'm drinking. In the infamous words of an adorable British man named Ferret "I've got to have my fags if we're drinking or I'll go fucking mad." He said something like that, I mostly just remember the adorable facial expressions.

Tomorrow I'm taking Mikey back to school at CNU. We'll spend one last day and night together and then I won't see him until his birthday on March 1st. It's not too long, something like 6 weeks, but this will be our first official try at a "long distance relationship". Ooooooooh. The suspense is killing me.

Why Can't I?

2006-01-05T23:26:00.000-05:00

It's common knowledge:
- One should not develop feelings for good friends
- One should not do naughty things with good friends
- One should not do either of the above when said good friend is 1. going back to school in a week and 2. will be living a three hour drive away until December.

I can already hear Sam protesting, "What the hell?! A three hour drive?? Try an eight hour plane ride!!" I love you dear.

Anyway, I obviously have no common knowledge. I've done all of the above and now I'm SCREWED.

I think I'm a relationship masochist. Actually, I know I am. Lisa and I both are, we've discussed this before. We only fall for guys who are guaranteed to cause the most emotional damage, no matter how obvious it may be.

"Oh, so I'm going to fall in love with you and loose my virginity to you and then go back home, 4,000 miles away, not knowing when or if I'll ever see you again? Okay!"

"Sure I'll date you for four months and care for you more everyday even though you've already stated that you're too young for love, don't care about anyone including yourself, and that your friends and smoking are your top priorities in life?"

I'm a dumb shit. A card carrying first class dumb shit.

A history of my relations with the above mentioned good friend, also known as Mikey:
Leticia and I met him in this past summer when he came to work with us at Hallmark while he was free from the grasps of college life at CNU. I thought I wouldn't like him, despite all the positive comments from my manager Sande. I should have believed her, because she is beautiful, all knowing, and all-powerful. Leticia and I both became friends with Mikey pretty quick, probably because he's quiet and dorky and Leticia and I love dorks, because we are biggest dorks. I must admit, his dorkiness caused me to have a little crush on him for a while, but as a friendship blossomed, it faded away.

Mikey went back to school, and at the time I was head over heels for Brahim so it wasn't too heartbreaking. Leticia and I visited him at CNU during the fall; she was touring as a high school senior looking for a place to start her college life; I just mooched a ride to see my buddy.

We kept in touch throughout the semester, and when he came back for winter break, I don't know what happened but we ended up in some steamy embraces. That little crush from the summer had a serious growth spurt.

I love Mikey, he's a good friend. We have great conversations. He's funny, caring, attentive, and a little weird. Before the whole steamy embraces I'd make him cuddle with me while we hung out and watched movies with Leticia and he never tried to grope me. It was very refreshing. And now...

I know he'd be a good boyfriend, but I don't know how good I'd be. The distance would be difficult, I would get lonely, and Lisa and I always meet new guys when we go out. I'd hate myself if I did anything to hurt him.

But Mikey makes me happy, I feel truly cared for and protected with him.

We're going to spend the day together tomorrow, and as many other days in the next week because he's leaving on the 14th and then I won't see him until his birthday, March 1st. Hopefully I won't be so confused by then, but knowing myself, I'll just be even more confused.

eBay: Friend or Foe?

2006-01-05T01:46:00.000-05:00

I love eBay. Ash and I discovered it around the same time last winter, and I remember we agreed not to tell Sam about it because, already a shopaholic, she would have ended up in debt if she discovered how much she could save and therefore how much more she could buy. We didn't have to worry though, Sam never became an eBayer and is still in good financial standing. I however, became an eBayer. I now buy all my CDs and DVDs for about half of what I would at any store, and it's a good place to find unique things for cheap. Thanks to eBay, Sam and I went to see Coldplay, a marvelous experience, and I also bought my Creative Zen Micro for about $50 less than what it retails for. I love eBay, it is my happy place.

Why would it be a foe then?

I work at Hallmark, and this past Christmas was my first with the company. Before then, I knew that Hallmark was BIG on their ornaments, but I honestly never gave a crap. Then I witnessed the behavior of people who want these ornaments and other Hallmark collectibles. It's a little crazy. Even while I witnessed little old ladies beating each other with their purses over these ornaments, it never dawned on me that with all this unlimited access to limited merchandise, I could be making a pretty penny on eBay.

About a week ago, a co-worker/friend of mine told me that he and another Hallmark employee had been selling the most popular items of 2005 on eBay for a few weeks, and between the both of them I think they've made over $1,200. This really flabbergasted me. For example, there's an ornament that's sold out called "Rockin' with Santa". It's a little record player that had three records that it "plays", very cute; it retails for something like $25. My friend bought four, auctioned them on eBay, and made over $200. I felt like an idiot when he told me about it; there's another item, the Piano Snowman, that retailed for $12.95. I don't know how many of those damn singing fuckers I set up around the store, the countless boxes I carried and unpacked. We had at least 200 of those shits, and we sold out before Christmas. I just checked eBay and the bidding on those blasted fucks are at around $30 each.

Now my friend is encouraging me to get in on the eBay action. For some reason, I feel that it's unfair and that I'd be doing something wrong. Then again, eBay is based on selling things others have already purchased, and I could use the money. It just feels so easy, too easy. But when I think of those damned Piano Snowmen...

Welcome to 2006

2006-01-03T02:56:00.000-05:00

Who needs London when you have JonCarlos?

December 2005: At A Glance

2005-12-30T00:50:00.000-05:00

I am a bad, bad blogger. I can't believe I haven't written anything in almost a month. My apologies.

Well, since my last post...

Brahim and I are no longer dating. We stopped talking for various reasons sometime near October, and we had absolutely no contact for about a month. Then he said he wanted to talk, and for the next month or so we were making and breaking plans to get together during the weekends. I finally saw him on his birthday, and we did talk, but we discussed our lives more than our relationship. We ended up having a pretty heavy make out session though, something that both Lisa and I had predicted. But then, a week after that, he went to Richmond with his friend and had a threesome with two girls. If I had any question as to what our "relationship" was, I think he made it pretty clear that night. I went to his place after he got back, to pick up a ring I had forgotten on his birthday, and he didn't even say anything. I haven't talked to him since. I was very angry and hurt for a few days, but life goes on.

I successfully completed my first semester at George Mason University on December 19th. It kinda feels official now, I'm a college student. It wasn't so bad, I'm still adapting but I think college and I will get along. And it's pretty damn sweet to have a month off, spring classes don't start until January 23rd.

I'm still working. I got a raise.

Lisa and I still go out a lot. The hooka bar is our new "home away from home", we go there at least once a week. It's a great place to just relax, talk, smoke a hooka, and have a drink - non-alcoholic of course. We're friends with the staff and the regulars, all older men from Middle Eastern countries. No girls - I like that a lot.

Sam and I celebrated the day we left for London exactly a year ago, December 26th, with dinner and a pedicure. We reminisced a little and talked a lot about our current lives and future plans. If everything goes as planned, Sam will be living in London this time next year, and I'll be over there visiting and celebrating the start of 2007.

Christmas was nice and quiet. I spent most of the weekend with Isabella and JonCarlos, my cousin Sara's babies. They are a handful, being only 16 and 5 months old, but they're also beautiful, adorable, and so very lovable. Even when they smell like poop and throw up on you.

The new year celebration should be wild and crazy and fun. Our family from New York is coming down, and they are famous for making great parties. We'll all spend the night at Sara's and probably drink, dance, and laugh our way into 2006. We might even go to the casinos in West Virginia, and I'll be able to go this year, although I'm not sure if I'll be allowed to gamble.

And now I want to self-tag myself from Sam's blog and list five strange things about myself in no particular order, because coincidentally I've recently been reminded of all the strange things about myself.

1. I am madly obsessed with Vick's Vapor Rub. Whenever I'm sick I use/overuse the ointment, the inhaler, and the decongestant nose spray. I just love how it smells. I used to have a humidifier that used Vick's as a kid, because I had mild asthma, so think I associate the smell to comfort and relief. But I love the stuff.

2. When it comes to men, I have a thing about hair. I like guys with shaggy hair, red hair, curly hair, facial hair, happy trails, leg hair, arm hair, chest hair...you get the idea.

3. I can't be in the same room with a pimple. If I know you, I will attack your pimple. It's gross I know, but I can't help it. The other day I popped my cousin's nose pimple, and it exploded onto my forehead and all over my fingers. Disgusting, but it was such a relief.

4. I can bend the top joint of my fingers. I used to think everyone could do it, but in middle school I realized I was wrong when I freaked out some classmates.

5. I can't think of anything else, so I have to steal one of Sam's, which also applies to me. I clean my room almost daily, everything is usually clean and organized, but my car is a mess. I think there are about 10 empty bottles and cans of various beverages in the back seat, I haven't washed it since the summer, and if it wasn't for the can of orange scented odor neutralizer I keep in there, who knows what it would smell like.

About Me

2005-12-01T23:26:00.000-05:00

I stole this from a friends' MySpace. I know they're silly, but I was in the mood. Enjoy!

Basics
-----------------------------
Time started: 10:54pm
Name: Mendy
Single or Taken: Single
Sex: Female
Birthday: 06/10/1987
Siblings: 1
Eye color: Dark Brown
Shoe size: 8 1/2-9
Height: 5' 3
Innie or Outie: Innie
What are you wearing right now: Old gym t-shirt and underpants
Where do you live: Alexandria
Righty or lefty: Righty

Relationships
-----------------------------
Who are your closest friends: Lisa, Sam, Jessica, Tyler, Brian.
Do you have a BF or GF?: Nope
If no, are you interested in anyone beyond friendship: Interested in friendship with a certain musician that maybe one day could go beyond.
Best place to go for a date: Old Town
Where is your favorite place to shop: Old Navy, Target, H&M, Hot Topic

Favorites
-----------------------------
Favorite kind of pants: Pajammies
Color: Yellow
Number: 3
Boys Name: Alexander
Girls Name: Elizabeth
Animal: Teddy Bears
Drink: Sweet Tea
Football: Patriots, Giants, Redskins
Basketball: Don't like it.
Hockey: CAPS!!!!
Month(s): June, October, December
Juice: Citrus Punch
Finger: Index
Breakfast: Pancakes
Favorite cartoon character: Spongebob!

Have You Ever
-----------------------------
Given anyone a bath: Yep.
Smoked: Uh huh.
Bungeed: Nope
Made yourself throw-up: Not on purpose, but I once chugged about a barrel of water because I was serverly dehydrated from a heavy night of drinking and barfed it all up and some more 3 seconds later.
Gone skinny dipping: Can fatties skinny dip? Lmao...no.
Eaten a dog: Not that I know of, but you never know.
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: Probably, that's something I would do.
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: Been so infatuated with someone it made you cry, yes.
Broken a bone: Nope.
Played truth or dare: Of course!
Been in a physical fight: Yep, I always get beat up!
Been in a police car: Nope.
Been on a plane: Yep.
Come close to dying: Nope.
Been in a sauna: Yep.
Been in a hot tub: Right after the sauna.
Swam in the ocean: Yep.
Fallen asleep in school: Oh yeah.
Ran away?: Nope.
Broken someone's heart: I don't think so.
Cried when someone died: Yes.
Cried in school: Yes.
Saved AIM conversations: Once upon a time.
Saved e-mails: Yep.
Fallen for one of your best friends? No.
Used someone: Yes.
Been cheated on?: Not that I know of, but you never know.

What is...
-----------------------------
Your good luck charm: I don't have one
Best song you ever heard: The Strokes "Reptilia" came to mind first, but there are so many "best ever" songs out there!
Stupidest thing you have ever done: Oh geez...
What's your room like: My life plastered all over the walls.
Last thing you said: "Yeah."
What's beside you? My trashcan...it says "dumped"
Last thing you ate: French Fries.
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Some snazzy salon stuff my mom brings home.
Best thing that has happened to you this year (2005): HAHA, EVERYTHING!!!! London, graduation, turning 18, making new friends.

Have you had...
-----------------------------
Chicken pox: Nope.
Sore Throat: All the time.
Stitches: Nope.
Broken nose: Nope

Other Stuff
-----------------------------
Do you believe in love at first sight: Yep.
If you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with you: Lisa, Leticia, and a hot man.
Who was the last person that called you: Leticia.
Who was the last person you slow danced with: Probably Lisa.
What makes you smile? Music.
Who is the last person you kissed?: Some crazy Morrocan dude.
Who broke your heart: Myself...I get a little too invovled sometimes in hopeless situations.
Who told you they loved you: My mom, Lisa, Tyler.
Is your loudest friend?: CHAUNCY, friend/cousin
Do you like filling these out: Yeah, they're fun.
Do you wear contacts or glasses: Contacts, I'm BLIND.
Do you get along with your family: Very much so. We're rock stars!!!
Stolen anything over $50: Nope.
Compulsive? No.
Anorexic? Haha, never.
Suicidal? Nope.

Final questions...
-----------------------------
What did you do yesterday: Went to school, went to Leti's, went to the mall, picked up my mom, went to Tysons Corner, shopped a little, came home, slept.
Hated someone in your family: Disliked, not hated.
Gotten any awards: Academic mostly, a few writing ones.
What car do you wish to have: One of those old VW vans with a bunch of fun stuff on the inside.
Where do you want to get married? In a church, but during the Fall.
If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?: My inability to "skinny" dip.
Good driver: Yes, I think so.
Good Singer: I wish.
Have a lava lamp: Nope.
How many remote controls are in your house: I don't know, 7?
Are you double jointed: My fingers are.
What do you dream about?: I have a lot of weird sex dreams with random people. Don't ask.
Last time you showered: This morning.
Last time you took a bath: Too long ago to remember.
The last movie you saw at the theatres: Hmmm..."Jarhead." FIELD FUCK!!!
Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: Root Beer.
Mud or Jello wrestling?: JELLO!
Vanilla or chocolate: Coffee.
Skiing or Boarding: Neither.
Summer or winter: Winter.
Silver or Gold: Gold.
Diamond or pearl: Pearl.
Sunset or Sunrise: Sunrise.
Sprite or 7up: Sprite.
Orange juice or apple juice: Apple.
Cats or dogs: Cats.
Coffee or tea: Coffee.
Phone or in person: Person!
Are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Oldest.
End time: 11:24

Birthday-Palooza

2005-11-29T23:53:00.000-05:00

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Brahim: "Do you remember when we met?"
Me: "Yeah. It was my birthday, June 10th."
Brahim: "Yep. And what's today?"
Me: "Your birthday."
Brahim: "Yep."

Silent reflection....

Lisa took this picture later that night and it will always make me laugh, because we're both such dorks.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to:
Denise who turned Sweet 16 on the 25th
and to Charlie, who (I think) turned Sweet 23 on the 26th.

The Miles: Part 1

2005-11-24T00:50:00.000-05:00

Sam, Lisa and I love the Miles!